Time Fly's

Wow I can't believe it is already May!  I have been back to work since March and so much has gone on since then.  I think I have really stepped away from this disease for a while.  Boy you just need a break sometimes, a break from talking about it, from having it, from the process of it, from the whole  thing.  Although this is hard to do I think I kind of went into a little, I really don't want to deal with this, time for a bit.  So here I am.  I know I said before this is way more than I thought it would be well that still holds true as I go through the reconstruction process.   Thinking this was going to be the easiest part, not so!  It reminds me of when I did my triathlon last Sept. I thought I had the swimming in the bag, it was my strong part this is where I am going to get ahead.  Well that was not the case it was the hardest part for me and when I got out of that water I could have just quit right then and there I was so frustrated!  But, I pressed on towards the goal, the finish line.  I use that analogy because I thought this would be the "easy" part, if there can be an easy part in all of this.  I thought I have just been through the worst part of it all and now smooth sailing on to some bigger and better boobs!  So you can say I was a little discouraged when the reconstruction piece has proven to be a bit difficult for me.

So here is how the process worked for me.  First my process was a bit drawn out because I had some difficulties with my wounds healing.  The incision was opening up a bit and until that was completely healed the Dr. would not start the expansion process.  So week after week I would go see the doctor at UNC and week after week he would say, "not yet".  UGH how frustrating.  This is valuable time in my mind, I just want to get this part done so I can get the next surgery to put the "real" implants in so that can heal and I can get on with my life, training for the next triathlon!  Well, we didn't start the expansion process until after I went back to work.  

The expansion process.  Now this is a very interesting thing and so not what I anticipated!  I think no matter how much you read and how much you hear it just doesn't sink in until you are going through it!  So, when I had the mastectomy they put in these expanders, basically empty breast implants.  They are hard, stiff plastic under the skin.  This was uncomfortable after the surgery for me because I just did not have any extra fat in my upper body so they pertruded out like two circles under my skin.  After my incision healed completely the doctor was able to begin the expansion process.  

When I went in, being a nurse, I kept feeling for a port or area where they would inject the saline and could not feel a thing so I was intriegued as to how this would happen.  Well, the doctor has a magnet on a string, he waves it over my boob and it goes to the spot on the expander where he is to put the needle in, he marks the spot on my boob with a sharpie, cleans the area with betadine and sticks the straight needle into the "x" marking on my chest.  The needle is hooked to a 60cc syringe (big) and they start pushing the saline in and the expander starts to fill.  My doctor tries to race with his nurse to see who gets done first.  It is hard on their hands! The first one was a piece of cake like nothing really happened a little tenderness and I took Advil.  The next time since I took the Advil he stuck with just one syringe in each breast.  The third time I said lets try the 2 and see how it goes.  So we did 120 cc in each breast!  YIKES!  I was in some discomfort!  I took advil all day long.  The next time we were going to do 2 but as he was pushing in the saline he said I think we are only going to get one and a half.  Thank the Lord we only did one and a half because I was in such bad pain I just cant tell you!  It is like an ache that just wont go away.  You cant sit, lay, there is just no getting comfortable. 

 I generally have my appointment at 7am so I work all day and then by the time I get home my back is killing me and I am physically exhausted from sitting in front of the computer all day.  Then that night I am unable to sleep and the next day is just the worst!  Way harder than I ever thought it would be.  Well, by Wednesday I am back to somewhat normal and by the time I have to go back on Monday I am completely fine ready for the next round!

We have decided to stick with just one syringe a week and I have done this now for 7 weeks and still have a couple more weeks to go.   But even after all of this expansion is done I still have to wait a couple of weeks for the surgery to put the regular breast implants in.  You see the expansion process is a process to just get skin.  Each week the skin stretches and grows, it is mis-shapen expanding under my arms and into my abdomen!  Odd!  I have not worn a bra yet it is just so full all the way around it is uncomfortable to put a bra on.  So I just in the beginning wore cami's and as it got warmer out just went with nothing.  

So for now I am a skin stretching fool!!!  It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but gradually I am getting my strength back.  Each week feels like a set back for a couple of days but after that I get back on track.

I still have to have the surgery for the implants, then wait a few months and have the surgery to create the nipples and then wait a bit and have the aereola tatooed on!  Now you see the process is so much more than I anticipated!

As for my family we have pretty much moved on, well let's say the family has.  I am reminded every week when I have to go to UNC for my expansions.  I kind of keep it to myself.  Sometimes it really just gets old but I remind myself that I could be going every week for chemotherapy so expansion..... it's a pretty good deal I just have to remember that!

Life is so busy with two teenagers, which I think is a blessing.  Emily turned 17 in April and Lexi 14 just last week!  We have end of year stuff going on which is exciting and I am just trying to keep up! 

I am sure we (as a family) will relive this a bit when I have to go back to surgery but until then we just keep on living life and so blessed to be able to keep on living life!

So me and Kevin.  As close as we are after almost twenty years of marriage I do think it took a little toll on us for a time.   We did finally make love and it was awkward.  I don't think I was all that comfortable with myself especially myself in front of others.  I think it is going to be awkward for a time, but that is ok.  I just don't think any couple can go through this and be un-phased.  I pray our relationship grows from this...   I can really see how couples can grow apart through this it is a lot of work to just keep normal everyday life together and work to keep a relationship together during all of this..  I say just keep talking, even when it is difficult, even when you feel like you are loosing it, even when you feel like life is just not fair, even when you feel like you are a burden to your family, even when you don't have the words.... keep talking!!  Not only to your spouse but to friends, family, your children everyone it is therapy.  You just can't keep it all inside and pretend like it is not happening.  I can see that being an easy thing to do especially when it comes to getting intimate and keeping a physical relationship going.  TALK and pray!

I have to say,  on top of me being diagnosed Kevin has been trying to start a business and doing pretty well so far one step at a time, praise God!  In a way I think it has helped keep him occupied. Not the best timing to start a business with the craziness in our lives but I believe this is the Lords plan for our family.  I think in some ways me having this cancer has just rocked his inner piece, actually it has rocked the inner piece of the whole family!   But it has really made us rely on our faith like we have never relied on it before!   

So for now I get expanded each week, the journey is so long and at times I get weary but I stop for a bit and see my family and I am so very blessed that I can hug and kiss my kids each day and tell them how much I love them.  I am blessed that I have a mom and dad that live around the corner that I can call on day and night and they are here and love me and my family without exception!  I am blessed I have a husband that I adore and he adores me and I can look him in the eyes and know we have a piece that passes understanding and together as one we get through each day of this journey!  

So as my scripture says below we find rest for our souls in the Lord through lots of prayer! Hopefully it will not be so long before I write again.  It for some reason has been hard for me to come to this computer and write in this blog.  Although I do get down at times and want to be honest with this blog I do not want it to be a sorrowful, pity party of a blog.  So I just had to wait a while and get my thoughts in order. 

Til next time

Deb

Matthew 11:28-30

²⁸"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Is It March Already?

Wow I can hardly believe that it is March!
I am doing great, getting my energy up and going which feels wonderful but still waiting for the incision to heal! I went to the doctor last Monday and he said NO SURGERY to clean out the wound! Phew was I so glad for that! But... we still wait. He gave me this week off from seeing him and I will go back to him on March 8th to see where we go from here. So I am still doing dressing changes on the left side trying to get that area healed so we can move on with the reconstruction.

I am wearing Cami's now and not real concerned with the whole stuffing my bra bit. I am pretty comfortable with a flat chest although I do look like a girl before puberty but that is OK. I am getting used to the whole look and not as shocked when I see my self in the mirror. Boy was that different almost like you aren't looking at yourself! I know I keep saying this but it is so different than I thought it would be. Yes, I had seen pictures and talked to folks but I just don't think any of that prepares you for what YOU will look like. I said for a month, OK I am going to have a bilateral mastectomy, I am good with all that and I have been I just would say you are just never really prepared for all of the changes you will go through. Sometime it just hits me like a ton of bricks, I had breast cancer, me, I had what I have been treating my whole nursing career. This is the times when I wish I could run, that really clears the mind.

I am up to 3 miles of walking. I am determined that by the time I can run, after 6 weeks, I will be "somewhat" prepared physically! I know that is a stretch but I am so ready! This weekend there is an 8K run for MS, oh how I wish I could do that one! Soon!

My family is still pressing on. The girls have not seen me yet and that is fine! Kev has seen me that one time and kind of stays clear. He is hugging me more intametly now and is not afraid of hurting me so much so that is fabulous. I know this is personal but if someone is reading this that is getting ready to go through this I think the personal stuff is rarely talked about. You read about "when I was diagnosed", "what choice I made regarding treatment", "how devastated I was", "how angry I am", "how my husband left me".... but you don't hear about the family, your husband, your sex life..... So as most folks know I am not shy about my personal life so I will give you the scoop!

Although I came home and wanted everything to be just as it was before all of this happened, it is not. Which is fine, who in the world , besides me, would think you could just go back to normal. What is normal anyway right! So first I have to say I had to be ok with all of this, the way I look, the way I feel ect. I had to get right with myself before I could expect my husband to understand all of these changes. So take your time and let your husband and family and you take time. All through this process, as you can see, my faith has been my strength. So I pray for God's will in God's time. It is a hard prayer when you like control as I do, or should I say did! He already knows the outcome of all of this so I do not force anything to happen, although I want to sometimes, especially with this slow healing, I have to let that go.... every day!

The first few weeks I really was just about feeling well after surgery. With my MS it took a bit of time for me to get strong again. Then I had to get over the "sick person" pity party I kind of had for myself. Then I had to decide to get it together, take pride in myself again and start working on my new look! My dad is so funny he said, "well remember that model Twiggy, she was flat as a board!" No, I have not gone out and aspired to be a model but I do feel good in my own skin right now. After Kevin saw me I thought OK that was good, he was good, we are going to be OK. Now there are days when I think, oh how I would love to snuggle with him in bed. Well, up until this week that has been difficult because really the only position I can sleep in is on my back. So we have spent lots of time cuddling on the couch. I work on being close with Kevin and breaking down the "weirdness" of what we have gone through and work on getting back some sense of normal. All that being said no we have not had sex yet, no I have not been with Kevin without my shirt on except when I shower. That is all good with me, well sometimes. Sometimes I really just wish we could just hop in the bed and not have this awkwardness. I really don't know if it will be awkward, really, it may be just fine I will let you know when I get to that point. I do think this is one of those things that I have to be comfortable and OK with myself. In time. Communication is the key. I let Kevin know when I am kind of freaking out a bit about the whole thing and I think he appreciates that. I guess what I am trying to say is that it is weird sometimes and awkward and different and so many things and that is OK. I work hard to not let a wall build up of hardened emotions, I try to stay focused on the finish line, I work on my relationship with Kevin and the girls!

This process in the beginning consumed me and my family. We talked about it 24/7 since November! Choices, doctors, diagnosis, tests and more tests, plan of care, surgery, fears, Internet searches, every day! Telling the story over and over again to friends, co-workers, church family, family, strangers! All of that then surgery and then life after surgery. So when I look at it that way I think; time to re focus. Focus on life, each day, each conversation about school, work, love, Greys Anatomy!

I said my girls have not seen me, it is funny, Lexi said "so you think I would be scared" Emily said, "I really don't want to see it", Lexi said, "I just realized today that I have bigger boobs than you", on the way to church Sunday it was raining and I was waiting for Lexi to get in the car so I could go past her door and get in, not a big deal but Emily said, "Lexi you are letting your mother who has breast cancer stand out in the rain while you are taking your time." It is interesting, they don't talk too much about it but they are thinking about it at times! So I just wait and stay open and honest with myself and my family.

I will say it again, this is way more than I thought both physically and emotionally in so many ways. I can see that it could be easy to loose yourself, loose your family but I work on all of that daily and I PRAY, mostly I pray!

Until next time!
Deb

Proverbs 3:5 (New International Version)

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

Baby Steps

Another week gone by, no drains, long hot showers and waiting.  Sometimes I think it was easier when I was kind of confined to the chaise in my bedroom.  

I am now up and about.  I saw the plastic surgeon on Monday for my weekly visit and he was impressed with the progress of things for the most part.  The area that was bruised that he was really concerned about has pretty much gone away, the incision on the right side is no longer red thanks to the week of antibiotics but the left side is still healing!  I was doing dressing changes twice a day with Silvadine Cream (they use this on burns, generally) so he changed that to just some antibiotic cream for a few days and then leave it with nothing at all.  His hope is that this area will form a scab, the scab will come off and there will be new healed skin under that.  So we shall see.  If this does not happen then we may be going back to surgery to clean this area out, his concern is for the expander, if this area doesn't heal we can loose the expander and we go back to square one!  So I am praying for healing!

I went for a walk with Kevin on Tuesday this week.  I thought we were just going up the road but we went for about 2.5 miles.  Long and slow like a turtle but I did it.  Breathing is a little bit of an issue.  I feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest sometimes when I try to take a deep breath.  I guess because the skin is so tight and with the expander's in place there is not much room.  But I did it.  I am for sure a LONG way off from running!  Baby steps!

Keeping a positive attitude this week has been hard.  I am not sure what that is all about.  Starting on Sunday I was just in a blah mood, kind of flat and uninterested!  Boy do I hate that feeling.  I guess a bit of a pity party for myself!  The impatient part of me just wants to be healed up and press on.  Patients, I generally am a very patient person but I guess I have never been challenged like this before.  

I really don't mind the whole flat chest part, it is really not that bad.  I am able to wear a camisole now as I don't have to have pressure applied to my chest any more with the surgi-bra.  That was one good thing, the muscle is adhering to the tissue so that was good news!  I do still have a hard time lifting my arms up too high but this week I was able to get a shirt over my head.... progress!  Before now all I have been able to wear is zip up and button up tops.  Now, getting the tops off can be a challenge because after a long day I am pretty pooped and weak in the arms so I have to have Kevin help but that is ok!  I have to be diligent with doing my exercises, walking my fingers up the wall and stretching out my chest, nothing major but feels like a hour kick boxing class sometimes!  I asked the doc what are my limitations, basically up to this point I have not lifted or reached for anything and I wanted to be able to do some things for my self!  He said "I know you want to get back to your marathons"....  I cracked up!  Although that is my goal, really I just wanted to know, can I get the milk out of the refrigerator!!!  Baby Steps!  So 5 lbs is all I can lift and I can walk.  

Life is going on in the Ross house as usual.  I look forward to the day that I can move around in the bed freely without feeling uncomfortable and not just sleep on my back.  I look forward to being able to snuggle with Kevin without him worrying about hurting me.  I look forward to not noticing that I have these things in my chest and just feel a bit normal.  I look forward to going for a jog even if it is just up the street and back.  I look forward to getting back into a routine again, going to work, seeing my friends and taking care of my house without help.  I look forward to getting my energy back.  Baby Steps!

So until next time.  Enjoy the small, insignificant things you are able to do each day!

James 1:2-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

With Love,

Debbie

One More Thing

One more thing,
My very sweet husband saw my chest for the first time, free of all bandages. I had the door locked to the bathroom as I changed the dressing as I didn't want anyone to come in and be shocked. He knocked on the door and I told him what I was doing and he asked to come in. So he saw it. It was fine, I didn't have to pick him up off the floor so that was good!

After that he came over to me in my chase and said, "Don't ever feel like you have to hide this. I love you and you should be proud of the decision you made to remove this cancer." Did I tell you how much I love him!!!!

Oh and I just took a shower, by myself, no trash bag. This is just one of the little pleasures and one of Gods big blessings in my life right now!

Good Night!
Debbie

One Step Forward A Couple Back

I went to the Plastic Surgeon on Monday bright and early. My drains had been draining still 2 of them up to 25 cc a day the other two maybe only 10 cc a day. I thought he would take out a couple but he took out all four! I was really scared that it was going to hurt as they had been in for 10 days! My mom went with me and when he went to take it out I had her hold my hand. The first two on the left came out no problem, I didn't even feel it so that was good. Then onto the right side. When he started pulling it out my mom said "I saw that!" It was so funny because she just came out and said it like a kid. So the drains are all the way to the center of your chest, yikes I did not know that! So she saw it snake under my skin, crazy right! So in addition to removing the drains he took off the steri strips and did not like what he saw. The left incision was not healing like he wanted.... ugh. He is still going to watch the bruised area as well and was pretty positive about that so I was so very glad for that. So now I am doing dressing changes to the left side and started on antibiotics. He said this will push my progress out by 2 weeks. I have to take it really easy for at least the next couple of weeks, no lifting, no having arms above 90 degrees and no exercises! The best news of the visit.... I can SHOWER with out a black garbage bag!

I just never thought this would be such a process. So we won't be able to begin inflating the expander's at least until mid March and probably won't have the next surgery to take the expander's out and permanent implants in until July or August. So a lesson in patience, that is what I am getting now.

My goal is still to do the Dash for the Diva's Triathlon! So here is a cool story to tell that made my day this weekend! I wrote in my blog about the package my cousin and his wife Kristen sent me and it included a catalog called Athleta to encourage me to get ready for my next race. Well the gals at Athleta have the word Athleta on their google search and it came up with my blog. They were so touched by my story that Kelly the VP of merchandising and product and development for Athleta sent me an email telling me about how they got to my blog, that they were inspired and added me to their prayers! They want to send me a gift certificate so I can get something from the catalog. How cool is that! So check out Athleta if you get a chance, they have beautiful work out and regular clothes. (yoga, golf, skiing, swimming, running)

I know many folks have forwarded my blog to others. My hope is that I can help women and families get through this challenging time! I hope that my stories will make it less "unknown" as the lititure really speaks to the technical side but not much about the every day side. That being said it sure is an adjustment for children and husbands. For me, I did not want force my cancer on the kids or Kevin. I thought in their own time they would ask questions ect. I didn't want to freak Kevin out and "make" him look at me at this stage. I was so good with whatever he wanted to do, see it now or not. Nothing can prepare you for how the emotional side of breast cancer works. I truly believe your attitude as the person with the cancer is key! I won't say that I am "putting on" a front with my family, I am honest with them about my feelings but I do not want to become this diagnosis. I still want to be mom, wife, and daughter. I pray for GRACE! That is the only way I think all of this works. But again, patience. In every one's own time things will come together and life will settle down to the way it was, or somewhat close to what it was. When I first came home from the hospital I just did not think life would EVER get back to some sense of normal but in time the Lord works it all out.

So I will leave you with a verse. I will also say my dad always told me never pray for patience because the Lord will provide you with activities that help you learn to be patient.

Romans 12:12
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Until next time!
With Much Love,
Debbie

Spring in winter

Wow is it beautiful out today, 68 degrees! I think I will go for a walk today. I have had a great couple of days, up in the chair all day, taking showers (with some help) and eating pretty well. My idea for this blog initially was to reach out to those going through this or getting ready to go through this as well as to keep my family and friends updated. To focus a bit on a few things I thought of this week to talk to those going through this. I think at the end of the journey you forget the small stuff so I thought I would start with a couple of things you should know about your first week after surgery:

1. Have someone you are comfortable with (I mean really comfortable with) to be able to help you every day- my mom comes every morning helps me get up, Kevin makes me breakfast and tea then in the afternoon my mom and dad come back to help around the house and just sit with me.
2. Get used to praying - it has been my refuge, not sure how i would have gotten through some nights and days with out prayer sometimes all night!
3. Stool softeners - take them and keep taking them!4. Have lots of button up or zip up tops - I had PJs that kind of look like boy PJs that button up the front are kind of baggie and have matching pants. This has worked fabulous! Now I have moved into yoga pants and zip up sweat shirts. I purchased a $45.00 camisole that was supposed to be pretty cool to be able to hold your drains ect in these little pouches that Velcro to the camisole - well the one I got was for a unilateral mastectomy, only had 2 pouches (I have 4 drains) that were very small and besides that you really need something baggie because you come home with this "sports bra" looking contraption that is really bulky and stuffed with gauze that really would never fit under a camisole. You wear this bra continuously until your first post operative visit, so about one week to 10 days. So I tried to be prepared but did not anticipate the bulkiness of the bra- so buy tops a bit larger than you would. Just a suggestion! Your arms are going to be weak and it will be difficult to lift them up for a time so zip up and button up are the way to go. Just think, another reason to buy some cutesy clothes.
5. Showering - hysterical - make sure you have a sense of humor because it is comedy! But oh how it feels to have hot water run on you even if it is just parts of you. And I never thought I would be so glad to wash my hair! So the trash bag technique worked great for me. Just cut the bottom out, wrap a hand towel around your neck, slip the trash bag over your head and tie around your neck. Voala you can shower. I lean my head forward to wash my hair. Oh and remember the person I mentioned before that can be there to help you, they need to be able to see you naked! At this point the trash man can help me with my shower and I would be fine - just kidding. But really you have to leave your pride at the door and just get through the first week humbly, knowing the next week will be better!
6. Try to stay positive - boy was this so hard for me on Monday and Wednesday. I was really in a mess those two days really didn't think I could do this, mentally I had a hard time. This was a surprise to me so it caught me off guard. I just kept looking for the joy and prayed each day the next day would be better!
7. Do your exercises - after being able to run 6 miles I thought these exercises would be a piece of cake. I felt like I ran a marathon after just doing a few the first couple of days.
8. Have patience - I am not just talking about with recovery but also with your family. They are not at the same place you are, not nearly at the same place and may never be. This is your journey, although your family is a part of it they will never really understand a lot of what you are going through. That is fine. It was hard for me this week to be in my bedroom and life in my house was going on as usual with out me. Listening to everything, the kids stopping in sometimes, Kevin stopping in. This has been hard! You kind of feel like an outsider a little bit. Your attitude is imperative in this, I think! Patience! They will warm up to the fact that you have drains hanging out of your shirt, that you aren't the super person you have been up until this point. At night my girls come in and lay in bed with me and watch TV, I love that.
9. Be honest- with yourself and your family about every, how you are feeling, your needs, your fears EVERYTHING. I have been very open and honest with my girls especially but also with Kevin. Don't feel like you have to protect them, I thought I did but didn't give them enough credit.
10. Have Faith- you will get through this. I am just through my first week and although there were times I just didn't think I would get through it I did. Be glad in the small things and I am sure there are more challenges coming my way but I have to know I will get throu
gh this.

So today I am going to enjoy going outside to take a deep breath of fresh air and a walk. I even put mascara on today, straightened my hair (sort of) and put on my jewelry. I am getting there! Small things, that is what it is about the small things.

I will say that this week I took to just be with my family, no calls or visitors and I think that was a good choice! I really needed time for me to get used to all of this. Thank goodness for my mom, dad and Kevin answering the calls ect. and telling the story over and over again. I am so very grateful for my family, my mom especially as she has just really stepped into doing somethings that I don't think she ever thought she would have to do. I know that Kevin is so thankful for her as well, it helps him to be able to see me as me still and not as what I am going through. He has been there for me every step of the way and I adore him but there are just some things he just is not ready to deal with, and that is so fine with me! I know this is difficult for a marriage and although we have been through the diagnosis and treatment and some lifestyle changes with my MS it is NOTHING like this. I think the main thing is that I learn to accept myself with the changes that are happening to me, that I gain my confidence back as to who I am as a women, wife, and mom. I don't think I can expect much from Kevin or the girls if I don't believe it myself. I have always said the Lord chose my husband 20 years ago and knew he was just the perfect companion, lover and friend for me. I am surely, surely blessed!

Until next time...

2Corinthians 12: 9-10
But he said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Basically that says that I seek Gods pathway and rely on Him instead of my own energy, effort or talent.

With Much Love...
Debbie

A New Day

Today is a new day for me! Although I do not like to look back it has been difficult for me not to remember my time in the hospital. Boy I just did not realize how difficult this part of the journey would be for me. I couldn't even watch House the other night, believe that or not! So, Monday I came home and it was a very scary and difficult day for me. I really was not prepared for that feeling. I was sick to my stomach, afraid, especially since I had to go back to surgery the second time, and just felt so distant from my life in general. A long day it was.


Tuesday was a great day. I was up all day long, took a shower, which was comedy in itself, and watched the Bucket List (great movie). I ate my first meal of "real" food, which I think was a relief for my family as they are worried about my weight. I stayed up late and just thought ok we are on the road to recovery.


Wednesday was like a mac truck hit me! Boy was it disappointing to wake up and not have the energy to even get out of the bed. I walked to the end of the bed and turned around and got right back into bed. It was not going to be a good day. I had spent the night coughing like I was getting a cold so I had not gotten much sleep the night before. Anyway, of course everyone just watched as I lay in bed trying to get up the gumption to do something as simple as sit up. This I think was my MS. It was a very very long day. I think the hardest part for me is feeling so good on Tuesday and then such a bad day on Wednesday. And again I just prayed that if I have to go through this the Lord would just give me strength and a positive, accepting attitude. I feel like I have been in the valley now for a long time, trying to just figure out my life at this point. This has been the hardest part for me, I was so not prepared for all of these feelings. I don't think anyone can prepare you for what you will feel.


So today is a new day. I got up and out of bed and had Kevin make the bed for me. I don't want to get back in the bed! I feel better and I am going to take it easy today but mentally just want to have a better day! I am going to take a shower, yippee! Did I tell you about the shower. O mi gosh. Well Kevin and Dad came up with a solution using a big black trash bag. They cut the bottom out and slipped it over my head. They put a towel around my neck and tied the trash bag around my neck so my upper body would not get wet but we could wash my hair. We turned on the shower and got it nice and warm with the steam. Boy did that feel nice to just get in the water. So my mom got in the shower with me in her sweat suit with the pants rolled up (thank goodness for a large shower) and helped me get washed. This was my first shower since Thursday night, how gross is that! Up until this point we were using these wash towels they give you in the hospital. My mom tried to style my hair but the girls and Kevin thought it still looked greasy so we had to rinse it out again and Emily dried my hair. That was an adventure!


I really have not looked at myself much in the mirror nor have I looked to much at my chest. I have a bra on that looks like a sports bra that Velcros up the front and underneath it is stuffed with fluffed gauze to make a form of a compression dressing. This is so the skin, tissue, muscle all heal in place. I have two drains under each arm that cannot get wet. I think my mom and I are the only ones that have seen my chest. In time...

So, I just realized that I didn't finish my story of the hospital. So Friday night my right side was really hurting and felt so tight. I just pressed on through the night, not sure if the nurse notified my doc or not, but when they came in first thing in the morning it went crazy! By 10am I was back in the OR. I had developed a hematoma, one of the risks of this procedure. Both docs would have to go back with me to surgery and I would have to go under anaesthesia again. The pain was so very bad that I just didn't care at that point. The docs said to me we could just watch this and see what happens or we can go in and clean this out and since I was in so much pain they wanted to go in again. They said there is a very small chance there is an active bleed, they really didn't think this was the case as this is very rare like 1% or so that this happens. Well would you know I had an active bleed! The plastics doc was SHOCKED! So another 3 hour surgery and I was back in the room with another drain. So two on the left and three on the right. Boy, I thought what else could happen. The nurses came in every 2 hours and stripped my drains and emptied them out. One of the Residents, he was so funny, from the plastics team came in as he had just found out that I was an oncology nurse. He said if I would have known that you were a nurse I would have said for sure you had a bleed, because all bets are off with nurses! He was very funny! So since I had to go back to surgery on Saturday they thought it was best that I stay in the hospital until Monday and I was glad for that.

Every day I pray gets better. The hardest part is when you have a good day and then a bad day but I am learning to just take each day as it comes. I have been very secluded and to myself except with my family. I really have not wanted to talk or see visitors. It is just very exhausting to repeat the story over again and talk when I just have not felt like it. Even with my parents and Kevin when I talk about it I would just almost get nauseated. But I am trying to get back on track, back to some sense of normalcy.

I have heard of all of the folks that have called, my parents have been here every day to sit and take care of me and the house, Kevin has been by my side and has taken care of the kids, I have gotten some great cards and care packages and the church has provided our family with meals every night which has been wonderful. I have just felt so much love and support from everyone. I have to tell you about the package my cousin and his wife sent me. It was precious! The note explained all the contents of the survival package and this is what it included.

1. Rocky Balboa movie- because you are a fighter
2. Chocolate- because chocolate makes everything in life sweeter
3. Mrs. Perfect- because when you read this book, you'll realize you're so much better off than "Taylor Young" (this looks like a cute book)
4. The Notebook Movie- because what is life without love?
5. Trashy Magazines- to help you remember what's really important in life - gossip and fashion!! (he-he)
6. The Middle Place (a book)- to give you strength as you take time to heal
7. A copy of Athleta Magazine - to inspire you with cute workout clothes for your next adventure (Kristen my cousins wife was the one who got me to do the triathlon)

So I will leave you with the verse I couldn't think of the other day about prayer:

1Thessalonians 5:16-18
Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Boy is that a hard concept to be joyful always and give thanks in all circumstances, even breast cancer. So I am trying hard to stay joyful and know that although I am not sure why this is God's will for me I am sure in time I will know, or not but hopefully will grow in this time during this journey! I have been praying continually that is for sure!!!

Ok so I am not done just yet. I took a quick break after writing this and received a call from Dr. Amos. The path. report is back...... NO CANCER ........ ANYWHERE! Praise God.... No CHEMO or radiation therapy! I may need to take Tamoxifen for a few years because there was micro -invasion but that is it! So that is good news for a new day!

Til next time....
With Love
Debbie

Finally At Home

Hi everyone.  Yup it is me and I am at home, praise God! I don't really even know how to begin except to say I could never have anticipated how this was going to be.  As a nurse I know all the procedures what was going to happen to me physically and I had piece in knowing I was going to have a mastectomy.  Well, words is what that all was I think.  Boy have I had a journey these past few days and like Sara said I am just on for the ride but let me tell you I have never prayed without stopping, I will find that verse later, like I have done since Friday.  I mean really praying.  

Friday we were up and adam (wonder what that really means) a 445am I showered with the cleanser one more time and we prayed as a family.  I made Lexi her lunch and kissed both the girls and gave them each a letter I had written for them.  the we were off to Chapel Hill.  My friend Pipi's mom works up there and she hooked me up with this really cool gal named Daisey we all LOVED her.  I changed out of everything, I couldnt even wear my wedding band, so I gave that to Kevin and he wore it on his chain.  I talked to every doctor and nurse and repeated over and over my name, date of birth and what they were going to do.  I guess what happened at that hospital where they took the wrong leg or something has them really being careful now!!  So we were getting ready to go to surgery when who comes around the corner but our youth minister Todd!  Can I just tell you I love this man!  How he found his way to me I will never ever know I was shocked.  He came in on his day off nonetheless at 5 am found me and then we prayed!  Boy do I ever know that we are in the right place!  So they took me away, Kevin did not want to leave me that part was kind of hard!  

I came out of surgery and they took me to the room.  I felt fine they gave me lots of drugs for nausea and I think some steroids so I was chatty like Lexi said.  Well as night drew closer and my mom and I settled in for the night we noticed my right side getting swollen.  We just watched it all night.  

So my mom.  I dont even know where to begin with her.  She has really been there for me.  We were up most of the night on Friday and she basically had to do everything for me!  I was so helpless and scared!

Sat. morning they came in saw me and not too soon after that had me back in surgery.  I am going to stop now and cont. later as I am getting tired and not to over do things...

So til next time I will find that scripture in the meantime.  I feel like it is in Matthew.

With so much love

Debbie

After Surgery

Hey everyone,

This is Lexi (the youngest).

The surgery went great yesterday.  Even though mom was in surgery for about 6 hours she still chatted her head off.  She is really a trooper.  She got out of the surgery and acted like nothing was wrong.  All I know is she wasn't able to do it herself.  There is definitely someone watching over her and everything she is going through. 

During this whole thing I have never felt closer to the Lord.  If I never trusted him with everything I would not have the peace in mind to know someone is watching over her.  Giving my worries to him and letting him take them away is the best feeling.  He is watching over us, all of us.  How close I have grown to him and how my life has been changed is something I wouldn't trade for anything.  I went through a time in my life where it felt like I forgot what it was like to live a Godly life.  I have gotten that feeling back and it won't escape me again.

Back to mommy =D

Mimi spent the night with her last night, and Dad, Emma, and I will be heading up there soon.  She meets with the physical therapist today so they can show her some exercises to keep her arms moving.  Thats about all I know is going on today.  I will let everyone know what goes on today and how she is doing (:

Boobs by Rose Firestone

This is from a book my dear friend gave me it is called "keeping abreast" by Rose Firstone and I highly recomend this book it is full of fabulous poetry through the journey of breast cancer.  My girls and I loved this poem!

Boobs

breasts...boobs

tits...titties

hanging on chest

like flags

in the cities

knockers...jugs

manetas...maracas

shake like tambourines

in the gyms

and the lockers

squeeze 'em...hold 'em

touch the fruit

more than a mouth full 

is totally moot

bouncy...perky

jiggley

and firm

all of these adjectives 

just confirm

that

stacks and racks

are where its at

but how do you feel if you're totally flat

how do you handle 

the lack of equipment

how do you feel 

when they're gone

how do you feel

when you look in the mirror

and all of those names

don't belong

think of it this way

think it like that

no need for a tit-sling

or a titty hat

be thankful dear lady

be happy and clear

think of the promise 

of another year

rose firestone

The Time Has Come

Well this is the week.  After all of this waiting the time for surgery is getting close.  I will go on Thursday, Jan. 29th back to mammography to have the tumor injected with a radioactive dye.  This dye will go from the tumor to the lymph-nodes that filter that duct.  This way on Friday am when I go to surgery the doctor will know which lymph-nodes to remove and check for cancer.   During the surgery they will do a quick test on these lymph-nodes and if they are positive then they will do an axillary dissection to remove the other lymph-nodes under that arm.  So right now I am focusing on getting through the surgery but in the back of my mind I know I have a few more hurdles one of which might be chemotherapy.  

We met with the oncology surgeon on the 21st and he said we are just going to have to wait and see what we find in there.  He does want me to meet with a medical oncologist (the doctor that gives chemotherapy) after surgery to discuss my options.  So I have already contacted my dear friend Dr. Mark Graham or Professor as I call him.  He is by far the best breast oncologist ever. I have known him for 15 years and I now know why the Lord put him in my life for this very time.  He is a part of this journey.  He is kind, gentle, smart beyond smartness and I just love and trust him with all I have!  I am blessed to have him in my life to guide me!

So I will say I finally had my crying day on Sunday.  In the midst of all of the preparations I have begun regarding the girls, work, the coming and goings of everyone while I am in the hospital, preparing my home and my family I just broke down on Sunday night!  I went into my closet, sat on the floor and cried out loud for about an hour!  I don't think I have ever cried like this in my entire life, ever!  I talked with Kevin (my husband) and just told him that I am scared.  As brave as I have tried to be for my family and as strong as I have felt and the faith I have that has just carried me through with such grace..... with all that I am still scared!  Its OK to be scared and let those around you know you are scared!  I know the Lord will be in the operating room with me guiding the doctors and nurses and giving them wisdom and me protection.  I know the outcome of all of this is already known.  But I am still of the flesh and I am still scared.  It was so lovely to be comforted by my daughter Lexi and Kevin as I cried out...

I will go in and will be the first case on Friday. The oncology and plastic surgeon will tag team and the oncology surgeon will do the mastectomy and the plastic surgeon will insert the tissue expander's.  This I hear, the tissue expander's, are not very comfortable.  They are stiff and when they get filled to stretch the skin it can be uncomfortable.  So we shall see how that works.  I cant even imagine in my mind what I will look like after surgery when the bandages come off..  I purchased a camisole that has little pouches that will hold the drains so I don't have to worry about pinning them to my clothing.  They also have little inserts that you can put in place of your breasts (not sure if I will use them).  But it is very pretty and lacy! My husband is a "boob"man so I am a bit concerned about his reaction.  We have been together for 20 years this year and he has been wonderful through my MS diagnosis but this just seems so much different all of a sudden.  I know in the end all will be fine but the journey to the end may have some bumps along the way.  I just keep saying to myself, remember all of these lessons, come out a better person, mom, daughter, wife at the end of this..  There just has to be a reason for it all.

My work family and church family has been so fabulous!  We had a farewell to the ta ta's party on Friday night and I made a booby cake.  It was great to have everyone around me and be able to see everyone before I go to surgery.  My new church family has been so supportive with prayer and they want to provide us with meals ect....  But, I am still a bit scared and teary when I think of what me and my family will be going through over the next few weeks...  I said it is sad when you are on your way to work and you tear up listening to a BonJovi song (i want to make a memory)....  Crazy right!  

I spent last night writing a letter to each of my girls, my husband, my mom and my dad.  Just to give them a bit of comfort as I go to surgery.  I plan to give it to them that morning to read while they wait.  They are my whole life I just want us to get through this and be better for it in the end.

I am going to make brownies for the doc's and nurses to take with me the day of surgery for all of their hard work and support. That is my way of saying thank you and I appreciate what you do every day!

I am working on some crafts to do while I recover to try to stay busy!  I have lots of girlfriends and my cousin getting ready to have babies so that is good timing!  

So there you have it my preparations for the week of surgery.  Lexi, my youngest wants to blog when I am unable so you will hear from her I am sure.  I would love to hear from you...

Till next time I leave you with this scripture:

Matthew 6: 34

NIV:  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has a trouble of its own....

The message version says:  Give your attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow.  God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

In The Beginning

My journey started when I turned 39 this year in October 2008. I went for my yearly physical and was so proud that I had scheduled my mammogram for the Saturday before Thanksgiving. My primary care physician had been encouraging me to get a mammogram because when I was 19 or so I had a benign lump removed from my right breast.

I went for my mammogram first thing in the morning on a Saturday. It was so easy, in and out, no big deal! Monday morning at work I received a call from the radiology center telling me that I need to come back for another mammogram. Well, I am a nurse and work with nurses whom have also gone though this process. My apt. was made for the Wed. before Thanksgiving during my lunch hour. My friends that have been through this had me prepared for what to expect so I was pretty calm and ready for what would happen.

It was probably nothing is what I thought. So I went during lunch. The mammogram was pretty much the same just a few extra views. No problem. I sat and waited with the other women for the technician to tell me I can go. I waited and waited. I was prepared by my friend that they may want to get an ultra sound so don't be concerned! I waited and waited and then the technician called me back and told me to get dressed that my primary care doctor wanted to talk to me. What? No on else had this happen and this was not the way my friends said it would be. Stay calm that is what I kept telling myself.

Being an oncology nurse so many things went through my head. But more than that I was thinking about the 20 people that I was having for Thanksgiving the next day and the 8K Turkey Trot that I was going to run in support of Multiple Sclerosis. You see I have MS. I was diagnosed 7 years ago. Doing great, running, competing in a triathlon and 2 races since Sept. that year! This can't be happening I am in the best shape of my life!

So I changed and returned to the waiting room dressed and ready for the "news". The technician called me back and said my doctor could not wait and would talk to me later. I had the look of shock on my face I am thinking it looked like "you have got to be kidding me!" I asked the tech. can you at least tell me what they are thinking. She knew I was a nurse and that I had so much going on the next day. So she said, well they found a cluster of micro calcifications and I will need to get it biopsied. She said 90% of these are nothing! Then she hugged me and said a prayer and cried. I thought I am so screwed!

Off I went to work and tried to stay composed!

Thanksgiving went well, better than I thought.

Then on Dec. 3rd I went for my biopsy. It was a mammatome (vacuum assisted biopsy). I laid on a table with holes in it for my breasts. They put a mammogram machine on my breast and looked for the right place to get the tissue sample. The complicated thing with micro calcification's is that they are just cells, there is no lump or mass. So the biopsy is like liposuction of the breast. Being a small breasted women that was not the place I needed liposuction. They numbed the area and I felt some pressure but nothing too bad. At the end they put a marker in there so they would know where the sample was taken from. They put pressure on my breast, taped me up and off I went. I was going to go back to work but after the drive home I could feel it swelling a bit and a little discomfort. Nothing too bad but I thought I better work from home. This was a good choice. There is some tenderness associated with this biopsy process and like in my case swelling and I had a hematoma form inside my breast (this hematoma can take up to 6 months to go away). This is all normal.

I did go to work the next day. The only challenging thing was getting a shirt over my head and lifting my arm. But I got through it. Everyone at work was so excited because the Christmas party was the next day. I was pretty bummed that I would not be going. I had so much fun at the past parties, dancing the night away! But what are you going to do, right! Plus with one boob twice the size of the other I don't think I could do much with that. It was the start of realizing that there are going to be some things over the next couple of months that I will not be able to do. So I will find other ways to occupy my time.

That Monday I got a call at work from the surgeon. It was cancer. DCIS - Ductal Carcinoma In-Situ. This is "the best kind of cancer you can get" "it is very curable" this is what I was told. In shock I called my mom and we just didn't know what to say to each other. My husband was going to be traveling the next day on business. What would I say to him and my daughters. I cried a few tears with my friends at work and just gathered my self and made a decision then and there that I have to rely on my faith and be strong.

My husband was not sure how to react to me when I got home. I just said well, I wont need chemotherapy because it is not invasive so that is such a blessing!

Then the roller coaster began! That next day my mom and I met with the surgeon to review the results and what my choices were. One, lumpectomy and 6 weeks of radiation therapy or mastectomy. With my MS in the back ground I was immediately leaning towards mastectomy!

That Thursday I had a breast MRI to see if there was cancer in the other breast. Fortunately there was no additional cancer.

So now to figure out the plan. I scheduled an apt. with my neurologist and contacted an oncologist that I have known for 15 years and worked for. I also called the radiation oncology group I know and talked to the tech. there to get their opinion on my treatment options, come to find out that they do not take my insurance. They recommended that I go to UNC and meet with the rad. onc folks up there. I let my surgeon know I was going to meet with the folks at uNC rad onc and he told me he would send them an email to give them a heads up!

So the Neurologist did not have much to add with regards to my MS, no info. on the Internet, I even contacted the MS Society and no luck. No info. regarding breast cancer in people with MS on interferon treatments. UGH!

So just when I was thinking I am just going to have to decide with what I know about cancer, myself and my MS! I was getting ready to call the surgeon and just say I am going with a mastectomy when I got a call on the Monday before New Years Eve from UNC cancer center. The were letting me know that everything was set for Wed. New Years Eve for my visit and this gal was the nurse navigator assigned to my case. She said they were presenting me that day at the breast cancer multidisciplinary clinic! Me, being presented! Having worked in oncology at UNC hospital for 5 years and then at a UNC out patient clinic I knew many of the doctors and nurses that would be present!

So on new years eve, me, my mom, my dad and my husband took a trip out to UNC for the day. A long day at that! They did more mammograms, and an ultrasound. The pathologist re reviewed my slides and found that the cancer was indeed invasive. It was a small invasion but still it has gotten out of the ducts. They also found another spot on my right breast! What more could happen! So after leaving there that day the decision was made to have a bilateral mastectomy! Finally a decision was made!

Although I found out some scary information at this meeting I was so blessed that I was presented this day! So now we are scheduled the biopsy of the right breast, I know why do that if you are just going to remove the breast. Well if there was cancer they would need to know so during the surgery the lymph nodes could be biopsied. In ductal breast cancer the ducts lead to certain lymph nodes when you have invasive cancer they inject a dye through the duct where the cancer is and find out which lymph node that duct leads to. This will be called the Sentinel node and will be the lymph node they check for cancer. Once you remove the breast you loose the ability to trace back where this duct drained as all of the ducts will be removed.

So this week, Jan. 12th, back to UNC for the biopsy and right away they knew the spot was not cancer! Can I get an AMEN! Finally some GREAT news! So how did they know it wasn't cancer? They went over my breast with the ultra sound machine to find the mass. See, the difference is in the left breast I had micro calcification's (basically cells that are not visible by the eye only when magnified like they are able to do with mammography) and in the right breast there was actually a mass just behind my nipple. So the radiologist marked the spot and told me he was going to first try to do a needle aspiration. So he numbed the area and stuck a needle into the mass and because it was fluid filled it deflated when he aspirated the fluid! A CYST!!! Yippeee! Back to work I went just smiling ear to ear. You have to celebrate the small stuff when you are dealing with such life changes.

What next? Well I meet with my surgeon on the 21st for pre op stuff and I am scheduled on the 30th for a bilateral mastectomy.

I am pooped for right now but will write later about what the procedure entails!
I hope you will join me in this journey! I am hoping to have pictures, tasteful of course to share with you so you can see what this is all about. I would love to hear from you! I believe you can comment at the bottom and on the right you can follow this blog. You will probably have to register, it is free. I am also hoping to be able to keep my friends and family up to date with what is going on using this method much easier!

I will end by saying that I am a Christian so much of my bloging will reflect my faith in God which has helped me tremendously in getting through this whole process. Below is a verse that has just come up so many times during the beginning of my journey. I say to folks that the Lord has given me a peace that is unexplainable and this verse explains this very well. I even saw this one time with my daughter in the car on a license plate. We looked it up right away and just could not believe it!!!

Philippians 4: 6-9

6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Until next time...... Debbie