A New Day

Today is a new day for me! Although I do not like to look back it has been difficult for me not to remember my time in the hospital. Boy I just did not realize how difficult this part of the journey would be for me. I couldn't even watch House the other night, believe that or not! So, Monday I came home and it was a very scary and difficult day for me. I really was not prepared for that feeling. I was sick to my stomach, afraid, especially since I had to go back to surgery the second time, and just felt so distant from my life in general. A long day it was.


Tuesday was a great day. I was up all day long, took a shower, which was comedy in itself, and watched the Bucket List (great movie). I ate my first meal of "real" food, which I think was a relief for my family as they are worried about my weight. I stayed up late and just thought ok we are on the road to recovery.


Wednesday was like a mac truck hit me! Boy was it disappointing to wake up and not have the energy to even get out of the bed. I walked to the end of the bed and turned around and got right back into bed. It was not going to be a good day. I had spent the night coughing like I was getting a cold so I had not gotten much sleep the night before. Anyway, of course everyone just watched as I lay in bed trying to get up the gumption to do something as simple as sit up. This I think was my MS. It was a very very long day. I think the hardest part for me is feeling so good on Tuesday and then such a bad day on Wednesday. And again I just prayed that if I have to go through this the Lord would just give me strength and a positive, accepting attitude. I feel like I have been in the valley now for a long time, trying to just figure out my life at this point. This has been the hardest part for me, I was so not prepared for all of these feelings. I don't think anyone can prepare you for what you will feel.


So today is a new day. I got up and out of bed and had Kevin make the bed for me. I don't want to get back in the bed! I feel better and I am going to take it easy today but mentally just want to have a better day! I am going to take a shower, yippee! Did I tell you about the shower. O mi gosh. Well Kevin and Dad came up with a solution using a big black trash bag. They cut the bottom out and slipped it over my head. They put a towel around my neck and tied the trash bag around my neck so my upper body would not get wet but we could wash my hair. We turned on the shower and got it nice and warm with the steam. Boy did that feel nice to just get in the water. So my mom got in the shower with me in her sweat suit with the pants rolled up (thank goodness for a large shower) and helped me get washed. This was my first shower since Thursday night, how gross is that! Up until this point we were using these wash towels they give you in the hospital. My mom tried to style my hair but the girls and Kevin thought it still looked greasy so we had to rinse it out again and Emily dried my hair. That was an adventure!


I really have not looked at myself much in the mirror nor have I looked to much at my chest. I have a bra on that looks like a sports bra that Velcros up the front and underneath it is stuffed with fluffed gauze to make a form of a compression dressing. This is so the skin, tissue, muscle all heal in place. I have two drains under each arm that cannot get wet. I think my mom and I are the only ones that have seen my chest. In time...

So, I just realized that I didn't finish my story of the hospital. So Friday night my right side was really hurting and felt so tight. I just pressed on through the night, not sure if the nurse notified my doc or not, but when they came in first thing in the morning it went crazy! By 10am I was back in the OR. I had developed a hematoma, one of the risks of this procedure. Both docs would have to go back with me to surgery and I would have to go under anaesthesia again. The pain was so very bad that I just didn't care at that point. The docs said to me we could just watch this and see what happens or we can go in and clean this out and since I was in so much pain they wanted to go in again. They said there is a very small chance there is an active bleed, they really didn't think this was the case as this is very rare like 1% or so that this happens. Well would you know I had an active bleed! The plastics doc was SHOCKED! So another 3 hour surgery and I was back in the room with another drain. So two on the left and three on the right. Boy, I thought what else could happen. The nurses came in every 2 hours and stripped my drains and emptied them out. One of the Residents, he was so funny, from the plastics team came in as he had just found out that I was an oncology nurse. He said if I would have known that you were a nurse I would have said for sure you had a bleed, because all bets are off with nurses! He was very funny! So since I had to go back to surgery on Saturday they thought it was best that I stay in the hospital until Monday and I was glad for that.

Every day I pray gets better. The hardest part is when you have a good day and then a bad day but I am learning to just take each day as it comes. I have been very secluded and to myself except with my family. I really have not wanted to talk or see visitors. It is just very exhausting to repeat the story over again and talk when I just have not felt like it. Even with my parents and Kevin when I talk about it I would just almost get nauseated. But I am trying to get back on track, back to some sense of normalcy.

I have heard of all of the folks that have called, my parents have been here every day to sit and take care of me and the house, Kevin has been by my side and has taken care of the kids, I have gotten some great cards and care packages and the church has provided our family with meals every night which has been wonderful. I have just felt so much love and support from everyone. I have to tell you about the package my cousin and his wife sent me. It was precious! The note explained all the contents of the survival package and this is what it included.

1. Rocky Balboa movie- because you are a fighter
2. Chocolate- because chocolate makes everything in life sweeter
3. Mrs. Perfect- because when you read this book, you'll realize you're so much better off than "Taylor Young" (this looks like a cute book)
4. The Notebook Movie- because what is life without love?
5. Trashy Magazines- to help you remember what's really important in life - gossip and fashion!! (he-he)
6. The Middle Place (a book)- to give you strength as you take time to heal
7. A copy of Athleta Magazine - to inspire you with cute workout clothes for your next adventure (Kristen my cousins wife was the one who got me to do the triathlon)

So I will leave you with the verse I couldn't think of the other day about prayer:

1Thessalonians 5:16-18
Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Boy is that a hard concept to be joyful always and give thanks in all circumstances, even breast cancer. So I am trying hard to stay joyful and know that although I am not sure why this is God's will for me I am sure in time I will know, or not but hopefully will grow in this time during this journey! I have been praying continually that is for sure!!!

Ok so I am not done just yet. I took a quick break after writing this and received a call from Dr. Amos. The path. report is back...... NO CANCER ........ ANYWHERE! Praise God.... No CHEMO or radiation therapy! I may need to take Tamoxifen for a few years because there was micro -invasion but that is it! So that is good news for a new day!

Til next time....
With Love
Debbie