Wow I can't believe it is already May! I have been back to work since March and so much has gone on since then. I think I have really stepped away from this disease for a while. Boy you just need a break sometimes, a break from talking about it, from having it, from the process of it, from the whole thing. Although this is hard to do I think I kind of went into a little, I really don't want to deal with this, time for a bit. So here I am. I know I said before this is way more than I thought it would be well that still holds true as I go through the reconstruction process. Thinking this was going to be the easiest part, not so! It reminds me of when I did my triathlon last Sept. I thought I had the swimming in the bag, it was my strong part this is where I am going to get ahead. Well that was not the case it was the hardest part for me and when I got out of that water I could have just quit right then and there I was so frustrated! But, I pressed on towards the goal, the finish line. I use that analogy because I thought this would be the "easy" part, if there can be an easy part in all of this. I thought I have just been through the worst part of it all and now smooth sailing on to some bigger and better boobs! So you can say I was a little discouraged when the reconstruction piece has proven to be a bit difficult for me.So here is how the process worked for me. First my process was a bit drawn out because I had some difficulties with my wounds healing. The incision was opening up a bit and until that was completely healed the Dr. would not start the expansion process. So week after week I would go see the doctor at UNC and week after week he would say, "not yet". UGH how frustrating. This is valuable time in my mind, I just want to get this part done so I can get the next surgery to put the "real" implants in so that can heal and I can get on with my life, training for the next triathlon! Well, we didn't start the expansion process until after I went back to work.
The expansion process. Now this is a very interesting thing and so not what I anticipated! I think no matter how much you read and how much you hear it just doesn't sink in until you are going through it! So, when I had the mastectomy they put in these expanders, basically empty breast implants. They are hard, stiff plastic under the skin. This was uncomfortable after the surgery for me because I just did not have any extra fat in my upper body so they pertruded out like two circles under my skin. After my incision healed completely the doctor was able to begin the expansion process.
When I went in, being a nurse, I kept feeling for a port or area where they would inject the saline and could not feel a thing so I was intriegued as to how this would happen. Well, the doctor has a magnet on a string, he waves it over my boob and it goes to the spot on the expander where he is to put the needle in, he marks the spot on my boob with a sharpie, cleans the area with betadine and sticks the straight needle into the "x" marking on my chest. The needle is hooked to a 60cc syringe (big) and they start pushing the saline in and the expander starts to fill. My doctor tries to race with his nurse to see who gets done first. It is hard on their hands! The first one was a piece of cake like nothing really happened a little tenderness and I took Advil. The next time since I took the Advil he stuck with just one syringe in each breast. The third time I said lets try the 2 and see how it goes. So we did 120 cc in each breast! YIKES! I was in some discomfort! I took advil all day long. The next time we were going to do 2 but as he was pushing in the saline he said I think we are only going to get one and a half. Thank the Lord we only did one and a half because I was in such bad pain I just cant tell you! It is like an ache that just wont go away. You cant sit, lay, there is just no getting comfortable.
I generally have my appointment at 7am so I work all day and then by the time I get home my back is killing me and I am physically exhausted from sitting in front of the computer all day. Then that night I am unable to sleep and the next day is just the worst! Way harder than I ever thought it would be. Well, by Wednesday I am back to somewhat normal and by the time I have to go back on Monday I am completely fine ready for the next round!
We have decided to stick with just one syringe a week and I have done this now for 7 weeks and still have a couple more weeks to go. But even after all of this expansion is done I still have to wait a couple of weeks for the surgery to put the regular breast implants in. You see the expansion process is a process to just get skin. Each week the skin stretches and grows, it is mis-shapen expanding under my arms and into my abdomen! Odd! I have not worn a bra yet it is just so full all the way around it is uncomfortable to put a bra on. So I just in the beginning wore cami's and as it got warmer out just went with nothing.
So for now I am a skin stretching fool!!! It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but gradually I am getting my strength back. Each week feels like a set back for a couple of days but after that I get back on track.
I still have to have the surgery for the implants, then wait a few months and have the surgery to create the nipples and then wait a bit and have the aereola tatooed on! Now you see the process is so much more than I anticipated!
As for my family we have pretty much moved on, well let's say the family has. I am reminded every week when I have to go to UNC for my expansions. I kind of keep it to myself. Sometimes it really just gets old but I remind myself that I could be going every week for chemotherapy so expansion..... it's a pretty good deal I just have to remember that!
Life is so busy with two teenagers, which I think is a blessing. Emily turned 17 in April and Lexi 14 just last week! We have end of year stuff going on which is exciting and I am just trying to keep up!
I am sure we (as a family) will relive this a bit when I have to go back to surgery but until then we just keep on living life and so blessed to be able to keep on living life!
So me and Kevin. As close as we are after almost twenty years of marriage I do think it took a little toll on us for a time. We did finally make love and it was awkward. I don't think I was all that comfortable with myself especially myself in front of others. I think it is going to be awkward for a time, but that is ok. I just don't think any couple can go through this and be un-phased. I pray our relationship grows from this... I can really see how couples can grow apart through this it is a lot of work to just keep normal everyday life together and work to keep a relationship together during all of this.. I say just keep talking, even when it is difficult, even when you feel like you are loosing it, even when you feel like life is just not fair, even when you feel like you are a burden to your family, even when you don't have the words.... keep talking!! Not only to your spouse but to friends, family, your children everyone it is therapy. You just can't keep it all inside and pretend like it is not happening. I can see that being an easy thing to do especially when it comes to getting intimate and keeping a physical relationship going. TALK and pray!
I have to say, on top of me being diagnosed Kevin has been trying to start a business and doing pretty well so far one step at a time, praise God! In a way I think it has helped keep him occupied. Not the best timing to start a business with the craziness in our lives but I believe this is the Lords plan for our family. I think in some ways me having this cancer has just rocked his inner piece, actually it has rocked the inner piece of the whole family! But it has really made us rely on our faith like we have never relied on it before!
So for now I get expanded each week, the journey is so long and at times I get weary but I stop for a bit and see my family and I am so very blessed that I can hug and kiss my kids each day and tell them how much I love them. I am blessed that I have a mom and dad that live around the corner that I can call on day and night and they are here and love me and my family without exception! I am blessed I have a husband that I adore and he adores me and I can look him in the eyes and know we have a piece that passes understanding and together as one we get through each day of this journey!
So as my scripture says below we find rest for our souls in the Lord through lots of prayer! Hopefully it will not be so long before I write again. It for some reason has been hard for me to come to this computer and write in this blog. Although I do get down at times and want to be honest with this blog I do not want it to be a sorrowful, pity party of a blog. So I just had to wait a while and get my thoughts in order.
Til next time
Deb
Matthew 11:28-30
28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
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