Is It March Already?

Wow I can hardly believe that it is March!
I am doing great, getting my energy up and going which feels wonderful but still waiting for the incision to heal! I went to the doctor last Monday and he said NO SURGERY to clean out the wound! Phew was I so glad for that! But... we still wait. He gave me this week off from seeing him and I will go back to him on March 8th to see where we go from here. So I am still doing dressing changes on the left side trying to get that area healed so we can move on with the reconstruction.

I am wearing Cami's now and not real concerned with the whole stuffing my bra bit. I am pretty comfortable with a flat chest although I do look like a girl before puberty but that is OK. I am getting used to the whole look and not as shocked when I see my self in the mirror. Boy was that different almost like you aren't looking at yourself! I know I keep saying this but it is so different than I thought it would be. Yes, I had seen pictures and talked to folks but I just don't think any of that prepares you for what YOU will look like. I said for a month, OK I am going to have a bilateral mastectomy, I am good with all that and I have been I just would say you are just never really prepared for all of the changes you will go through. Sometime it just hits me like a ton of bricks, I had breast cancer, me, I had what I have been treating my whole nursing career. This is the times when I wish I could run, that really clears the mind.

I am up to 3 miles of walking. I am determined that by the time I can run, after 6 weeks, I will be "somewhat" prepared physically! I know that is a stretch but I am so ready! This weekend there is an 8K run for MS, oh how I wish I could do that one! Soon!

My family is still pressing on. The girls have not seen me yet and that is fine! Kev has seen me that one time and kind of stays clear. He is hugging me more intametly now and is not afraid of hurting me so much so that is fabulous. I know this is personal but if someone is reading this that is getting ready to go through this I think the personal stuff is rarely talked about. You read about "when I was diagnosed", "what choice I made regarding treatment", "how devastated I was", "how angry I am", "how my husband left me".... but you don't hear about the family, your husband, your sex life..... So as most folks know I am not shy about my personal life so I will give you the scoop!

Although I came home and wanted everything to be just as it was before all of this happened, it is not. Which is fine, who in the world , besides me, would think you could just go back to normal. What is normal anyway right! So first I have to say I had to be ok with all of this, the way I look, the way I feel ect. I had to get right with myself before I could expect my husband to understand all of these changes. So take your time and let your husband and family and you take time. All through this process, as you can see, my faith has been my strength. So I pray for God's will in God's time. It is a hard prayer when you like control as I do, or should I say did! He already knows the outcome of all of this so I do not force anything to happen, although I want to sometimes, especially with this slow healing, I have to let that go.... every day!

The first few weeks I really was just about feeling well after surgery. With my MS it took a bit of time for me to get strong again. Then I had to get over the "sick person" pity party I kind of had for myself. Then I had to decide to get it together, take pride in myself again and start working on my new look! My dad is so funny he said, "well remember that model Twiggy, she was flat as a board!" No, I have not gone out and aspired to be a model but I do feel good in my own skin right now. After Kevin saw me I thought OK that was good, he was good, we are going to be OK. Now there are days when I think, oh how I would love to snuggle with him in bed. Well, up until this week that has been difficult because really the only position I can sleep in is on my back. So we have spent lots of time cuddling on the couch. I work on being close with Kevin and breaking down the "weirdness" of what we have gone through and work on getting back some sense of normal. All that being said no we have not had sex yet, no I have not been with Kevin without my shirt on except when I shower. That is all good with me, well sometimes. Sometimes I really just wish we could just hop in the bed and not have this awkwardness. I really don't know if it will be awkward, really, it may be just fine I will let you know when I get to that point. I do think this is one of those things that I have to be comfortable and OK with myself. In time. Communication is the key. I let Kevin know when I am kind of freaking out a bit about the whole thing and I think he appreciates that. I guess what I am trying to say is that it is weird sometimes and awkward and different and so many things and that is OK. I work hard to not let a wall build up of hardened emotions, I try to stay focused on the finish line, I work on my relationship with Kevin and the girls!

This process in the beginning consumed me and my family. We talked about it 24/7 since November! Choices, doctors, diagnosis, tests and more tests, plan of care, surgery, fears, Internet searches, every day! Telling the story over and over again to friends, co-workers, church family, family, strangers! All of that then surgery and then life after surgery. So when I look at it that way I think; time to re focus. Focus on life, each day, each conversation about school, work, love, Greys Anatomy!

I said my girls have not seen me, it is funny, Lexi said "so you think I would be scared" Emily said, "I really don't want to see it", Lexi said, "I just realized today that I have bigger boobs than you", on the way to church Sunday it was raining and I was waiting for Lexi to get in the car so I could go past her door and get in, not a big deal but Emily said, "Lexi you are letting your mother who has breast cancer stand out in the rain while you are taking your time." It is interesting, they don't talk too much about it but they are thinking about it at times! So I just wait and stay open and honest with myself and my family.

I will say it again, this is way more than I thought both physically and emotionally in so many ways. I can see that it could be easy to loose yourself, loose your family but I work on all of that daily and I PRAY, mostly I pray!

Until next time!
Deb

Proverbs 3:5 (New International Version)

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;