Wow I can not believe it has been since May that I wrote in this blog. So many things have happened since that time. In September I did Dash for Diva's triathlon again and had a blast. I was not near in the shape I was the first time b/c I was unable to train until a month before the race. I had some difficulty with wound healing at the incision site and was unable to swim. But I did it and glad I did. It was on Sept. 12 and I had my surgery on Sep 15th!

The surgery was to remove the expander's and place the implants. It was day surgery but a week recovery. He had to do a lot of work on my right breast from where I had the hematoma and was rushed back to surgery after my mastectomy. So he had to clean the whole area out. It was nice to get those hard expander's out for sure!


A month after my surgery Kevin and I celebrated 20 years of marriage and I turned 40. He and my mom worked together and planned this amazing party at this fabulous place in down town Cary called the Matthew's House. I was totally surprised! We enjoyed an afternoon of dancing, eating and socializing with all of our family and close friends. We had a great time and during the party Kevin had a speech and then told me that we were going to St. John, VI the next morning. CRAZY! It was really amazing. He even called my surgeon to make sure it was ok for me to fly and go swimming! During my whole time going through the surgeries and recovery if I would see a plane (we live near the air port) I would say " I bet that plane is going to St. John". So we went to St. John just me and him and had an amazing time together! Boy was that a much needed vacation. We really enjoyed trying to get back to normal again.


I have said this before but you just don't realize how much of a toll going through all this takes on your family and your relationship with your spouse. It is a lot of work to just keep everything going as normal as possible.


Boy the lessons I have learned through all of this. For sure one major one is that family  for most it is a term that relates to "relatives"  but for me it is way more than that, it also refers to our close dear friends that are for sure a part of our family. Although we have a small family we received so much support from our friends and church family. Someone always wanting to make dinner or offer to help with the kids and the house or just stop by to check on Kevin and make sure he was doing ok through all of this. I was very thankful for all of that especially for Kevin.


I found that it is easier for the person that is going through this than your spouse and family! I know Kevin often felt like he was not doing enough to help our or just wanted to make things better. You really don't know what to do, say, or how to help. For me I just plugged along and just tried to keep on going and stay positive and encouraged.


The best thing I found was to be open and honest. If I am not having a good day I say, if I am struggling I say, talk talk talk! I talk to everyone who wants to listen, it is therapy for me. I do not have a thing to hide whatever someone would like to know I tell them. I think for many of my friends and co workers it has been and eye opening experience to go through this with me.


So Friday Jan. 8th we headed up to UNC and I had my last surgery! I tried to get it in before the end of the year but that did not work out. So on Friday I had nipples created using the flap of my incision. Not quiet sure how it all worked b/c I have these bandages on that look like cones. I told everyone I feel like Madonna! He also had to revise the incision b/c I had some excess skin on the right breast so he fixed that as well. So now recovery. I think I have these dressings on for the next 2 weeks. And after about 8 weeks the nurse will tattoo on the aerola.


The whole process has really been amazing. I would never ever have thought that this whole thing would take a year.


Oh I forgot to tell you about one more issue I am experiencing. It is painful! So I have been diagnosed with frozen shoulder. This occurred after my last surgery, I think. I am unable to lift my right arm it is just frozen. So on top of everything else I have been going to PT twice a week and the PT even taught Lexi how to work my arm. That problem could take up to a year to fix! The unfortunate thing is that I am unable to work out with all of this. So if any of you ladies that have had a mastectomy and are having some issues with your shoulders get it checked out do not wait! It is a long, hard, grueling, process!!!


Wow have I gone through changes this year. Some days I really struggle if I focus on this whole thing too much. My faith has gone through peeks and valleys. I am just praying for wisdom as I start this new year. You can never let your guard down you have to keep on keepin on. Stay positive, talk it out, write it out but keep going forward!


I know there is a lesson in all of this and it may be priorities, not getting caught up in drama, staying positive, embracing relationships that I feel are important and not worrying about pleasing everyone! Focus on my faith, husband and my family. Slow down, don't get so uptight, enjoy the small things as well as the big things.


So this is where I am at now. Recovering hopefully for the last time! Enjoying life to it's fullest, every minute!


My friends and I are thinking about doing the Avon Challenge walk in Charlotte. 40 miles in 2 days walking with other survivors! I am also thinking about training for a half marathon. So lots of goals for myself.


Hope this blog update finds you all in great health and happy!

Happy New Year!

With Love,

Debbie

Though this journey has been long and hard at times I continue to look to the Lord for my strength. And although I have had peeks and valleys in regard to my faith the Lord stays by my side.

I will leave you with this verse:

2 Samuel 22:33 (New International Version)

 It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.

Time Fly's

Wow I can't believe it is already May!  I have been back to work since March and so much has gone on since then.  I think I have really stepped away from this disease for a while.  Boy you just need a break sometimes, a break from talking about it, from having it, from the process of it, from the whole  thing.  Although this is hard to do I think I kind of went into a little, I really don't want to deal with this, time for a bit.  So here I am.  I know I said before this is way more than I thought it would be well that still holds true as I go through the reconstruction process.   Thinking this was going to be the easiest part, not so!  It reminds me of when I did my triathlon last Sept. I thought I had the swimming in the bag, it was my strong part this is where I am going to get ahead.  Well that was not the case it was the hardest part for me and when I got out of that water I could have just quit right then and there I was so frustrated!  But, I pressed on towards the goal, the finish line.  I use that analogy because I thought this would be the "easy" part, if there can be an easy part in all of this.  I thought I have just been through the worst part of it all and now smooth sailing on to some bigger and better boobs!  So you can say I was a little discouraged when the reconstruction piece has proven to be a bit difficult for me.

So here is how the process worked for me.  First my process was a bit drawn out because I had some difficulties with my wounds healing.  The incision was opening up a bit and until that was completely healed the Dr. would not start the expansion process.  So week after week I would go see the doctor at UNC and week after week he would say, "not yet".  UGH how frustrating.  This is valuable time in my mind, I just want to get this part done so I can get the next surgery to put the "real" implants in so that can heal and I can get on with my life, training for the next triathlon!  Well, we didn't start the expansion process until after I went back to work.  

The expansion process.  Now this is a very interesting thing and so not what I anticipated!  I think no matter how much you read and how much you hear it just doesn't sink in until you are going through it!  So, when I had the mastectomy they put in these expanders, basically empty breast implants.  They are hard, stiff plastic under the skin.  This was uncomfortable after the surgery for me because I just did not have any extra fat in my upper body so they pertruded out like two circles under my skin.  After my incision healed completely the doctor was able to begin the expansion process.  

When I went in, being a nurse, I kept feeling for a port or area where they would inject the saline and could not feel a thing so I was intriegued as to how this would happen.  Well, the doctor has a magnet on a string, he waves it over my boob and it goes to the spot on the expander where he is to put the needle in, he marks the spot on my boob with a sharpie, cleans the area with betadine and sticks the straight needle into the "x" marking on my chest.  The needle is hooked to a 60cc syringe (big) and they start pushing the saline in and the expander starts to fill.  My doctor tries to race with his nurse to see who gets done first.  It is hard on their hands! The first one was a piece of cake like nothing really happened a little tenderness and I took Advil.  The next time since I took the Advil he stuck with just one syringe in each breast.  The third time I said lets try the 2 and see how it goes.  So we did 120 cc in each breast!  YIKES!  I was in some discomfort!  I took advil all day long.  The next time we were going to do 2 but as he was pushing in the saline he said I think we are only going to get one and a half.  Thank the Lord we only did one and a half because I was in such bad pain I just cant tell you!  It is like an ache that just wont go away.  You cant sit, lay, there is just no getting comfortable. 

 I generally have my appointment at 7am so I work all day and then by the time I get home my back is killing me and I am physically exhausted from sitting in front of the computer all day.  Then that night I am unable to sleep and the next day is just the worst!  Way harder than I ever thought it would be.  Well, by Wednesday I am back to somewhat normal and by the time I have to go back on Monday I am completely fine ready for the next round!

We have decided to stick with just one syringe a week and I have done this now for 7 weeks and still have a couple more weeks to go.   But even after all of this expansion is done I still have to wait a couple of weeks for the surgery to put the regular breast implants in.  You see the expansion process is a process to just get skin.  Each week the skin stretches and grows, it is mis-shapen expanding under my arms and into my abdomen!  Odd!  I have not worn a bra yet it is just so full all the way around it is uncomfortable to put a bra on.  So I just in the beginning wore cami's and as it got warmer out just went with nothing.  

So for now I am a skin stretching fool!!!  It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but gradually I am getting my strength back.  Each week feels like a set back for a couple of days but after that I get back on track.

I still have to have the surgery for the implants, then wait a few months and have the surgery to create the nipples and then wait a bit and have the aereola tatooed on!  Now you see the process is so much more than I anticipated!

As for my family we have pretty much moved on, well let's say the family has.  I am reminded every week when I have to go to UNC for my expansions.  I kind of keep it to myself.  Sometimes it really just gets old but I remind myself that I could be going every week for chemotherapy so expansion..... it's a pretty good deal I just have to remember that!

Life is so busy with two teenagers, which I think is a blessing.  Emily turned 17 in April and Lexi 14 just last week!  We have end of year stuff going on which is exciting and I am just trying to keep up! 

I am sure we (as a family) will relive this a bit when I have to go back to surgery but until then we just keep on living life and so blessed to be able to keep on living life!

So me and Kevin.  As close as we are after almost twenty years of marriage I do think it took a little toll on us for a time.   We did finally make love and it was awkward.  I don't think I was all that comfortable with myself especially myself in front of others.  I think it is going to be awkward for a time, but that is ok.  I just don't think any couple can go through this and be un-phased.  I pray our relationship grows from this...   I can really see how couples can grow apart through this it is a lot of work to just keep normal everyday life together and work to keep a relationship together during all of this..  I say just keep talking, even when it is difficult, even when you feel like you are loosing it, even when you feel like life is just not fair, even when you feel like you are a burden to your family, even when you don't have the words.... keep talking!!  Not only to your spouse but to friends, family, your children everyone it is therapy.  You just can't keep it all inside and pretend like it is not happening.  I can see that being an easy thing to do especially when it comes to getting intimate and keeping a physical relationship going.  TALK and pray!

I have to say,  on top of me being diagnosed Kevin has been trying to start a business and doing pretty well so far one step at a time, praise God!  In a way I think it has helped keep him occupied. Not the best timing to start a business with the craziness in our lives but I believe this is the Lords plan for our family.  I think in some ways me having this cancer has just rocked his inner piece, actually it has rocked the inner piece of the whole family!   But it has really made us rely on our faith like we have never relied on it before!   

So for now I get expanded each week, the journey is so long and at times I get weary but I stop for a bit and see my family and I am so very blessed that I can hug and kiss my kids each day and tell them how much I love them.  I am blessed that I have a mom and dad that live around the corner that I can call on day and night and they are here and love me and my family without exception!  I am blessed I have a husband that I adore and he adores me and I can look him in the eyes and know we have a piece that passes understanding and together as one we get through each day of this journey!  

So as my scripture says below we find rest for our souls in the Lord through lots of prayer! Hopefully it will not be so long before I write again.  It for some reason has been hard for me to come to this computer and write in this blog.  Although I do get down at times and want to be honest with this blog I do not want it to be a sorrowful, pity party of a blog.  So I just had to wait a while and get my thoughts in order. 

Til next time

Deb

Matthew 11:28-30

²⁸"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Is It March Already?

Wow I can hardly believe that it is March!
I am doing great, getting my energy up and going which feels wonderful but still waiting for the incision to heal! I went to the doctor last Monday and he said NO SURGERY to clean out the wound! Phew was I so glad for that! But... we still wait. He gave me this week off from seeing him and I will go back to him on March 8th to see where we go from here. So I am still doing dressing changes on the left side trying to get that area healed so we can move on with the reconstruction.

I am wearing Cami's now and not real concerned with the whole stuffing my bra bit. I am pretty comfortable with a flat chest although I do look like a girl before puberty but that is OK. I am getting used to the whole look and not as shocked when I see my self in the mirror. Boy was that different almost like you aren't looking at yourself! I know I keep saying this but it is so different than I thought it would be. Yes, I had seen pictures and talked to folks but I just don't think any of that prepares you for what YOU will look like. I said for a month, OK I am going to have a bilateral mastectomy, I am good with all that and I have been I just would say you are just never really prepared for all of the changes you will go through. Sometime it just hits me like a ton of bricks, I had breast cancer, me, I had what I have been treating my whole nursing career. This is the times when I wish I could run, that really clears the mind.

I am up to 3 miles of walking. I am determined that by the time I can run, after 6 weeks, I will be "somewhat" prepared physically! I know that is a stretch but I am so ready! This weekend there is an 8K run for MS, oh how I wish I could do that one! Soon!

My family is still pressing on. The girls have not seen me yet and that is fine! Kev has seen me that one time and kind of stays clear. He is hugging me more intametly now and is not afraid of hurting me so much so that is fabulous. I know this is personal but if someone is reading this that is getting ready to go through this I think the personal stuff is rarely talked about. You read about "when I was diagnosed", "what choice I made regarding treatment", "how devastated I was", "how angry I am", "how my husband left me".... but you don't hear about the family, your husband, your sex life..... So as most folks know I am not shy about my personal life so I will give you the scoop!

Although I came home and wanted everything to be just as it was before all of this happened, it is not. Which is fine, who in the world , besides me, would think you could just go back to normal. What is normal anyway right! So first I have to say I had to be ok with all of this, the way I look, the way I feel ect. I had to get right with myself before I could expect my husband to understand all of these changes. So take your time and let your husband and family and you take time. All through this process, as you can see, my faith has been my strength. So I pray for God's will in God's time. It is a hard prayer when you like control as I do, or should I say did! He already knows the outcome of all of this so I do not force anything to happen, although I want to sometimes, especially with this slow healing, I have to let that go.... every day!

The first few weeks I really was just about feeling well after surgery. With my MS it took a bit of time for me to get strong again. Then I had to get over the "sick person" pity party I kind of had for myself. Then I had to decide to get it together, take pride in myself again and start working on my new look! My dad is so funny he said, "well remember that model Twiggy, she was flat as a board!" No, I have not gone out and aspired to be a model but I do feel good in my own skin right now. After Kevin saw me I thought OK that was good, he was good, we are going to be OK. Now there are days when I think, oh how I would love to snuggle with him in bed. Well, up until this week that has been difficult because really the only position I can sleep in is on my back. So we have spent lots of time cuddling on the couch. I work on being close with Kevin and breaking down the "weirdness" of what we have gone through and work on getting back some sense of normal. All that being said no we have not had sex yet, no I have not been with Kevin without my shirt on except when I shower. That is all good with me, well sometimes. Sometimes I really just wish we could just hop in the bed and not have this awkwardness. I really don't know if it will be awkward, really, it may be just fine I will let you know when I get to that point. I do think this is one of those things that I have to be comfortable and OK with myself. In time. Communication is the key. I let Kevin know when I am kind of freaking out a bit about the whole thing and I think he appreciates that. I guess what I am trying to say is that it is weird sometimes and awkward and different and so many things and that is OK. I work hard to not let a wall build up of hardened emotions, I try to stay focused on the finish line, I work on my relationship with Kevin and the girls!

This process in the beginning consumed me and my family. We talked about it 24/7 since November! Choices, doctors, diagnosis, tests and more tests, plan of care, surgery, fears, Internet searches, every day! Telling the story over and over again to friends, co-workers, church family, family, strangers! All of that then surgery and then life after surgery. So when I look at it that way I think; time to re focus. Focus on life, each day, each conversation about school, work, love, Greys Anatomy!

I said my girls have not seen me, it is funny, Lexi said "so you think I would be scared" Emily said, "I really don't want to see it", Lexi said, "I just realized today that I have bigger boobs than you", on the way to church Sunday it was raining and I was waiting for Lexi to get in the car so I could go past her door and get in, not a big deal but Emily said, "Lexi you are letting your mother who has breast cancer stand out in the rain while you are taking your time." It is interesting, they don't talk too much about it but they are thinking about it at times! So I just wait and stay open and honest with myself and my family.

I will say it again, this is way more than I thought both physically and emotionally in so many ways. I can see that it could be easy to loose yourself, loose your family but I work on all of that daily and I PRAY, mostly I pray!

Until next time!
Deb

Proverbs 3:5 (New International Version)

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

Baby Steps

Another week gone by, no drains, long hot showers and waiting.  Sometimes I think it was easier when I was kind of confined to the chaise in my bedroom.  

I am now up and about.  I saw the plastic surgeon on Monday for my weekly visit and he was impressed with the progress of things for the most part.  The area that was bruised that he was really concerned about has pretty much gone away, the incision on the right side is no longer red thanks to the week of antibiotics but the left side is still healing!  I was doing dressing changes twice a day with Silvadine Cream (they use this on burns, generally) so he changed that to just some antibiotic cream for a few days and then leave it with nothing at all.  His hope is that this area will form a scab, the scab will come off and there will be new healed skin under that.  So we shall see.  If this does not happen then we may be going back to surgery to clean this area out, his concern is for the expander, if this area doesn't heal we can loose the expander and we go back to square one!  So I am praying for healing!

I went for a walk with Kevin on Tuesday this week.  I thought we were just going up the road but we went for about 2.5 miles.  Long and slow like a turtle but I did it.  Breathing is a little bit of an issue.  I feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest sometimes when I try to take a deep breath.  I guess because the skin is so tight and with the expander's in place there is not much room.  But I did it.  I am for sure a LONG way off from running!  Baby steps!

Keeping a positive attitude this week has been hard.  I am not sure what that is all about.  Starting on Sunday I was just in a blah mood, kind of flat and uninterested!  Boy do I hate that feeling.  I guess a bit of a pity party for myself!  The impatient part of me just wants to be healed up and press on.  Patients, I generally am a very patient person but I guess I have never been challenged like this before.  

I really don't mind the whole flat chest part, it is really not that bad.  I am able to wear a camisole now as I don't have to have pressure applied to my chest any more with the surgi-bra.  That was one good thing, the muscle is adhering to the tissue so that was good news!  I do still have a hard time lifting my arms up too high but this week I was able to get a shirt over my head.... progress!  Before now all I have been able to wear is zip up and button up tops.  Now, getting the tops off can be a challenge because after a long day I am pretty pooped and weak in the arms so I have to have Kevin help but that is ok!  I have to be diligent with doing my exercises, walking my fingers up the wall and stretching out my chest, nothing major but feels like a hour kick boxing class sometimes!  I asked the doc what are my limitations, basically up to this point I have not lifted or reached for anything and I wanted to be able to do some things for my self!  He said "I know you want to get back to your marathons"....  I cracked up!  Although that is my goal, really I just wanted to know, can I get the milk out of the refrigerator!!!  Baby Steps!  So 5 lbs is all I can lift and I can walk.  

Life is going on in the Ross house as usual.  I look forward to the day that I can move around in the bed freely without feeling uncomfortable and not just sleep on my back.  I look forward to being able to snuggle with Kevin without him worrying about hurting me.  I look forward to not noticing that I have these things in my chest and just feel a bit normal.  I look forward to going for a jog even if it is just up the street and back.  I look forward to getting back into a routine again, going to work, seeing my friends and taking care of my house without help.  I look forward to getting my energy back.  Baby Steps!

So until next time.  Enjoy the small, insignificant things you are able to do each day!

James 1:2-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

With Love,

Debbie

One More Thing

One more thing,
My very sweet husband saw my chest for the first time, free of all bandages. I had the door locked to the bathroom as I changed the dressing as I didn't want anyone to come in and be shocked. He knocked on the door and I told him what I was doing and he asked to come in. So he saw it. It was fine, I didn't have to pick him up off the floor so that was good!

After that he came over to me in my chase and said, "Don't ever feel like you have to hide this. I love you and you should be proud of the decision you made to remove this cancer." Did I tell you how much I love him!!!!

Oh and I just took a shower, by myself, no trash bag. This is just one of the little pleasures and one of Gods big blessings in my life right now!

Good Night!
Debbie

One Step Forward A Couple Back

I went to the Plastic Surgeon on Monday bright and early. My drains had been draining still 2 of them up to 25 cc a day the other two maybe only 10 cc a day. I thought he would take out a couple but he took out all four! I was really scared that it was going to hurt as they had been in for 10 days! My mom went with me and when he went to take it out I had her hold my hand. The first two on the left came out no problem, I didn't even feel it so that was good. Then onto the right side. When he started pulling it out my mom said "I saw that!" It was so funny because she just came out and said it like a kid. So the drains are all the way to the center of your chest, yikes I did not know that! So she saw it snake under my skin, crazy right! So in addition to removing the drains he took off the steri strips and did not like what he saw. The left incision was not healing like he wanted.... ugh. He is still going to watch the bruised area as well and was pretty positive about that so I was so very glad for that. So now I am doing dressing changes to the left side and started on antibiotics. He said this will push my progress out by 2 weeks. I have to take it really easy for at least the next couple of weeks, no lifting, no having arms above 90 degrees and no exercises! The best news of the visit.... I can SHOWER with out a black garbage bag!

I just never thought this would be such a process. So we won't be able to begin inflating the expander's at least until mid March and probably won't have the next surgery to take the expander's out and permanent implants in until July or August. So a lesson in patience, that is what I am getting now.

My goal is still to do the Dash for the Diva's Triathlon! So here is a cool story to tell that made my day this weekend! I wrote in my blog about the package my cousin and his wife Kristen sent me and it included a catalog called Athleta to encourage me to get ready for my next race. Well the gals at Athleta have the word Athleta on their google search and it came up with my blog. They were so touched by my story that Kelly the VP of merchandising and product and development for Athleta sent me an email telling me about how they got to my blog, that they were inspired and added me to their prayers! They want to send me a gift certificate so I can get something from the catalog. How cool is that! So check out Athleta if you get a chance, they have beautiful work out and regular clothes. (yoga, golf, skiing, swimming, running)

I know many folks have forwarded my blog to others. My hope is that I can help women and families get through this challenging time! I hope that my stories will make it less "unknown" as the lititure really speaks to the technical side but not much about the every day side. That being said it sure is an adjustment for children and husbands. For me, I did not want force my cancer on the kids or Kevin. I thought in their own time they would ask questions ect. I didn't want to freak Kevin out and "make" him look at me at this stage. I was so good with whatever he wanted to do, see it now or not. Nothing can prepare you for how the emotional side of breast cancer works. I truly believe your attitude as the person with the cancer is key! I won't say that I am "putting on" a front with my family, I am honest with them about my feelings but I do not want to become this diagnosis. I still want to be mom, wife, and daughter. I pray for GRACE! That is the only way I think all of this works. But again, patience. In every one's own time things will come together and life will settle down to the way it was, or somewhat close to what it was. When I first came home from the hospital I just did not think life would EVER get back to some sense of normal but in time the Lord works it all out.

So I will leave you with a verse. I will also say my dad always told me never pray for patience because the Lord will provide you with activities that help you learn to be patient.

Romans 12:12
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Until next time!
With Much Love,
Debbie

Spring in winter

Wow is it beautiful out today, 68 degrees! I think I will go for a walk today. I have had a great couple of days, up in the chair all day, taking showers (with some help) and eating pretty well. My idea for this blog initially was to reach out to those going through this or getting ready to go through this as well as to keep my family and friends updated. To focus a bit on a few things I thought of this week to talk to those going through this. I think at the end of the journey you forget the small stuff so I thought I would start with a couple of things you should know about your first week after surgery:

1. Have someone you are comfortable with (I mean really comfortable with) to be able to help you every day- my mom comes every morning helps me get up, Kevin makes me breakfast and tea then in the afternoon my mom and dad come back to help around the house and just sit with me.
2. Get used to praying - it has been my refuge, not sure how i would have gotten through some nights and days with out prayer sometimes all night!
3. Stool softeners - take them and keep taking them!4. Have lots of button up or zip up tops - I had PJs that kind of look like boy PJs that button up the front are kind of baggie and have matching pants. This has worked fabulous! Now I have moved into yoga pants and zip up sweat shirts. I purchased a $45.00 camisole that was supposed to be pretty cool to be able to hold your drains ect in these little pouches that Velcro to the camisole - well the one I got was for a unilateral mastectomy, only had 2 pouches (I have 4 drains) that were very small and besides that you really need something baggie because you come home with this "sports bra" looking contraption that is really bulky and stuffed with gauze that really would never fit under a camisole. You wear this bra continuously until your first post operative visit, so about one week to 10 days. So I tried to be prepared but did not anticipate the bulkiness of the bra- so buy tops a bit larger than you would. Just a suggestion! Your arms are going to be weak and it will be difficult to lift them up for a time so zip up and button up are the way to go. Just think, another reason to buy some cutesy clothes.
5. Showering - hysterical - make sure you have a sense of humor because it is comedy! But oh how it feels to have hot water run on you even if it is just parts of you. And I never thought I would be so glad to wash my hair! So the trash bag technique worked great for me. Just cut the bottom out, wrap a hand towel around your neck, slip the trash bag over your head and tie around your neck. Voala you can shower. I lean my head forward to wash my hair. Oh and remember the person I mentioned before that can be there to help you, they need to be able to see you naked! At this point the trash man can help me with my shower and I would be fine - just kidding. But really you have to leave your pride at the door and just get through the first week humbly, knowing the next week will be better!
6. Try to stay positive - boy was this so hard for me on Monday and Wednesday. I was really in a mess those two days really didn't think I could do this, mentally I had a hard time. This was a surprise to me so it caught me off guard. I just kept looking for the joy and prayed each day the next day would be better!
7. Do your exercises - after being able to run 6 miles I thought these exercises would be a piece of cake. I felt like I ran a marathon after just doing a few the first couple of days.
8. Have patience - I am not just talking about with recovery but also with your family. They are not at the same place you are, not nearly at the same place and may never be. This is your journey, although your family is a part of it they will never really understand a lot of what you are going through. That is fine. It was hard for me this week to be in my bedroom and life in my house was going on as usual with out me. Listening to everything, the kids stopping in sometimes, Kevin stopping in. This has been hard! You kind of feel like an outsider a little bit. Your attitude is imperative in this, I think! Patience! They will warm up to the fact that you have drains hanging out of your shirt, that you aren't the super person you have been up until this point. At night my girls come in and lay in bed with me and watch TV, I love that.
9. Be honest- with yourself and your family about every, how you are feeling, your needs, your fears EVERYTHING. I have been very open and honest with my girls especially but also with Kevin. Don't feel like you have to protect them, I thought I did but didn't give them enough credit.
10. Have Faith- you will get through this. I am just through my first week and although there were times I just didn't think I would get through it I did. Be glad in the small things and I am sure there are more challenges coming my way but I have to know I will get throu
gh this.

So today I am going to enjoy going outside to take a deep breath of fresh air and a walk. I even put mascara on today, straightened my hair (sort of) and put on my jewelry. I am getting there! Small things, that is what it is about the small things.

I will say that this week I took to just be with my family, no calls or visitors and I think that was a good choice! I really needed time for me to get used to all of this. Thank goodness for my mom, dad and Kevin answering the calls ect. and telling the story over and over again. I am so very grateful for my family, my mom especially as she has just really stepped into doing somethings that I don't think she ever thought she would have to do. I know that Kevin is so thankful for her as well, it helps him to be able to see me as me still and not as what I am going through. He has been there for me every step of the way and I adore him but there are just some things he just is not ready to deal with, and that is so fine with me! I know this is difficult for a marriage and although we have been through the diagnosis and treatment and some lifestyle changes with my MS it is NOTHING like this. I think the main thing is that I learn to accept myself with the changes that are happening to me, that I gain my confidence back as to who I am as a women, wife, and mom. I don't think I can expect much from Kevin or the girls if I don't believe it myself. I have always said the Lord chose my husband 20 years ago and knew he was just the perfect companion, lover and friend for me. I am surely, surely blessed!

Until next time...

2Corinthians 12: 9-10
But he said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Basically that says that I seek Gods pathway and rely on Him instead of my own energy, effort or talent.

With Much Love...
Debbie