The Time Has Come

Well this is the week.  After all of this waiting the time for surgery is getting close.  I will go on Thursday, Jan. 29th back to mammography to have the tumor injected with a radioactive dye.  This dye will go from the tumor to the lymph-nodes that filter that duct.  This way on Friday am when I go to surgery the doctor will know which lymph-nodes to remove and check for cancer.   During the surgery they will do a quick test on these lymph-nodes and if they are positive then they will do an axillary dissection to remove the other lymph-nodes under that arm.  So right now I am focusing on getting through the surgery but in the back of my mind I know I have a few more hurdles one of which might be chemotherapy.  

We met with the oncology surgeon on the 21st and he said we are just going to have to wait and see what we find in there.  He does want me to meet with a medical oncologist (the doctor that gives chemotherapy) after surgery to discuss my options.  So I have already contacted my dear friend Dr. Mark Graham or Professor as I call him.  He is by far the best breast oncologist ever. I have known him for 15 years and I now know why the Lord put him in my life for this very time.  He is a part of this journey.  He is kind, gentle, smart beyond smartness and I just love and trust him with all I have!  I am blessed to have him in my life to guide me!

So I will say I finally had my crying day on Sunday.  In the midst of all of the preparations I have begun regarding the girls, work, the coming and goings of everyone while I am in the hospital, preparing my home and my family I just broke down on Sunday night!  I went into my closet, sat on the floor and cried out loud for about an hour!  I don't think I have ever cried like this in my entire life, ever!  I talked with Kevin (my husband) and just told him that I am scared.  As brave as I have tried to be for my family and as strong as I have felt and the faith I have that has just carried me through with such grace..... with all that I am still scared!  Its OK to be scared and let those around you know you are scared!  I know the Lord will be in the operating room with me guiding the doctors and nurses and giving them wisdom and me protection.  I know the outcome of all of this is already known.  But I am still of the flesh and I am still scared.  It was so lovely to be comforted by my daughter Lexi and Kevin as I cried out...

I will go in and will be the first case on Friday. The oncology and plastic surgeon will tag team and the oncology surgeon will do the mastectomy and the plastic surgeon will insert the tissue expander's.  This I hear, the tissue expander's, are not very comfortable.  They are stiff and when they get filled to stretch the skin it can be uncomfortable.  So we shall see how that works.  I cant even imagine in my mind what I will look like after surgery when the bandages come off..  I purchased a camisole that has little pouches that will hold the drains so I don't have to worry about pinning them to my clothing.  They also have little inserts that you can put in place of your breasts (not sure if I will use them).  But it is very pretty and lacy! My husband is a "boob"man so I am a bit concerned about his reaction.  We have been together for 20 years this year and he has been wonderful through my MS diagnosis but this just seems so much different all of a sudden.  I know in the end all will be fine but the journey to the end may have some bumps along the way.  I just keep saying to myself, remember all of these lessons, come out a better person, mom, daughter, wife at the end of this..  There just has to be a reason for it all.

My work family and church family has been so fabulous!  We had a farewell to the ta ta's party on Friday night and I made a booby cake.  It was great to have everyone around me and be able to see everyone before I go to surgery.  My new church family has been so supportive with prayer and they want to provide us with meals ect....  But, I am still a bit scared and teary when I think of what me and my family will be going through over the next few weeks...  I said it is sad when you are on your way to work and you tear up listening to a BonJovi song (i want to make a memory)....  Crazy right!  

I spent last night writing a letter to each of my girls, my husband, my mom and my dad.  Just to give them a bit of comfort as I go to surgery.  I plan to give it to them that morning to read while they wait.  They are my whole life I just want us to get through this and be better for it in the end.

I am going to make brownies for the doc's and nurses to take with me the day of surgery for all of their hard work and support. That is my way of saying thank you and I appreciate what you do every day!

I am working on some crafts to do while I recover to try to stay busy!  I have lots of girlfriends and my cousin getting ready to have babies so that is good timing!  

So there you have it my preparations for the week of surgery.  Lexi, my youngest wants to blog when I am unable so you will hear from her I am sure.  I would love to hear from you...

Till next time I leave you with this scripture:

Matthew 6: 34

NIV:  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has a trouble of its own....

The message version says:  Give your attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow.  God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.