Baby Steps

Another week gone by, no drains, long hot showers and waiting.  Sometimes I think it was easier when I was kind of confined to the chaise in my bedroom.  

I am now up and about.  I saw the plastic surgeon on Monday for my weekly visit and he was impressed with the progress of things for the most part.  The area that was bruised that he was really concerned about has pretty much gone away, the incision on the right side is no longer red thanks to the week of antibiotics but the left side is still healing!  I was doing dressing changes twice a day with Silvadine Cream (they use this on burns, generally) so he changed that to just some antibiotic cream for a few days and then leave it with nothing at all.  His hope is that this area will form a scab, the scab will come off and there will be new healed skin under that.  So we shall see.  If this does not happen then we may be going back to surgery to clean this area out, his concern is for the expander, if this area doesn't heal we can loose the expander and we go back to square one!  So I am praying for healing!

I went for a walk with Kevin on Tuesday this week.  I thought we were just going up the road but we went for about 2.5 miles.  Long and slow like a turtle but I did it.  Breathing is a little bit of an issue.  I feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest sometimes when I try to take a deep breath.  I guess because the skin is so tight and with the expander's in place there is not much room.  But I did it.  I am for sure a LONG way off from running!  Baby steps!

Keeping a positive attitude this week has been hard.  I am not sure what that is all about.  Starting on Sunday I was just in a blah mood, kind of flat and uninterested!  Boy do I hate that feeling.  I guess a bit of a pity party for myself!  The impatient part of me just wants to be healed up and press on.  Patients, I generally am a very patient person but I guess I have never been challenged like this before.  

I really don't mind the whole flat chest part, it is really not that bad.  I am able to wear a camisole now as I don't have to have pressure applied to my chest any more with the surgi-bra.  That was one good thing, the muscle is adhering to the tissue so that was good news!  I do still have a hard time lifting my arms up too high but this week I was able to get a shirt over my head.... progress!  Before now all I have been able to wear is zip up and button up tops.  Now, getting the tops off can be a challenge because after a long day I am pretty pooped and weak in the arms so I have to have Kevin help but that is ok!  I have to be diligent with doing my exercises, walking my fingers up the wall and stretching out my chest, nothing major but feels like a hour kick boxing class sometimes!  I asked the doc what are my limitations, basically up to this point I have not lifted or reached for anything and I wanted to be able to do some things for my self!  He said "I know you want to get back to your marathons"....  I cracked up!  Although that is my goal, really I just wanted to know, can I get the milk out of the refrigerator!!!  Baby Steps!  So 5 lbs is all I can lift and I can walk.  

Life is going on in the Ross house as usual.  I look forward to the day that I can move around in the bed freely without feeling uncomfortable and not just sleep on my back.  I look forward to being able to snuggle with Kevin without him worrying about hurting me.  I look forward to not noticing that I have these things in my chest and just feel a bit normal.  I look forward to going for a jog even if it is just up the street and back.  I look forward to getting back into a routine again, going to work, seeing my friends and taking care of my house without help.  I look forward to getting my energy back.  Baby Steps!

So until next time.  Enjoy the small, insignificant things you are able to do each day!

James 1:2-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

With Love,

Debbie

One More Thing

One more thing,
My very sweet husband saw my chest for the first time, free of all bandages. I had the door locked to the bathroom as I changed the dressing as I didn't want anyone to come in and be shocked. He knocked on the door and I told him what I was doing and he asked to come in. So he saw it. It was fine, I didn't have to pick him up off the floor so that was good!

After that he came over to me in my chase and said, "Don't ever feel like you have to hide this. I love you and you should be proud of the decision you made to remove this cancer." Did I tell you how much I love him!!!!

Oh and I just took a shower, by myself, no trash bag. This is just one of the little pleasures and one of Gods big blessings in my life right now!

Good Night!
Debbie

One Step Forward A Couple Back

I went to the Plastic Surgeon on Monday bright and early. My drains had been draining still 2 of them up to 25 cc a day the other two maybe only 10 cc a day. I thought he would take out a couple but he took out all four! I was really scared that it was going to hurt as they had been in for 10 days! My mom went with me and when he went to take it out I had her hold my hand. The first two on the left came out no problem, I didn't even feel it so that was good. Then onto the right side. When he started pulling it out my mom said "I saw that!" It was so funny because she just came out and said it like a kid. So the drains are all the way to the center of your chest, yikes I did not know that! So she saw it snake under my skin, crazy right! So in addition to removing the drains he took off the steri strips and did not like what he saw. The left incision was not healing like he wanted.... ugh. He is still going to watch the bruised area as well and was pretty positive about that so I was so very glad for that. So now I am doing dressing changes to the left side and started on antibiotics. He said this will push my progress out by 2 weeks. I have to take it really easy for at least the next couple of weeks, no lifting, no having arms above 90 degrees and no exercises! The best news of the visit.... I can SHOWER with out a black garbage bag!

I just never thought this would be such a process. So we won't be able to begin inflating the expander's at least until mid March and probably won't have the next surgery to take the expander's out and permanent implants in until July or August. So a lesson in patience, that is what I am getting now.

My goal is still to do the Dash for the Diva's Triathlon! So here is a cool story to tell that made my day this weekend! I wrote in my blog about the package my cousin and his wife Kristen sent me and it included a catalog called Athleta to encourage me to get ready for my next race. Well the gals at Athleta have the word Athleta on their google search and it came up with my blog. They were so touched by my story that Kelly the VP of merchandising and product and development for Athleta sent me an email telling me about how they got to my blog, that they were inspired and added me to their prayers! They want to send me a gift certificate so I can get something from the catalog. How cool is that! So check out Athleta if you get a chance, they have beautiful work out and regular clothes. (yoga, golf, skiing, swimming, running)

I know many folks have forwarded my blog to others. My hope is that I can help women and families get through this challenging time! I hope that my stories will make it less "unknown" as the lititure really speaks to the technical side but not much about the every day side. That being said it sure is an adjustment for children and husbands. For me, I did not want force my cancer on the kids or Kevin. I thought in their own time they would ask questions ect. I didn't want to freak Kevin out and "make" him look at me at this stage. I was so good with whatever he wanted to do, see it now or not. Nothing can prepare you for how the emotional side of breast cancer works. I truly believe your attitude as the person with the cancer is key! I won't say that I am "putting on" a front with my family, I am honest with them about my feelings but I do not want to become this diagnosis. I still want to be mom, wife, and daughter. I pray for GRACE! That is the only way I think all of this works. But again, patience. In every one's own time things will come together and life will settle down to the way it was, or somewhat close to what it was. When I first came home from the hospital I just did not think life would EVER get back to some sense of normal but in time the Lord works it all out.

So I will leave you with a verse. I will also say my dad always told me never pray for patience because the Lord will provide you with activities that help you learn to be patient.

Romans 12:12
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Until next time!
With Much Love,
Debbie

Spring in winter

Wow is it beautiful out today, 68 degrees! I think I will go for a walk today. I have had a great couple of days, up in the chair all day, taking showers (with some help) and eating pretty well. My idea for this blog initially was to reach out to those going through this or getting ready to go through this as well as to keep my family and friends updated. To focus a bit on a few things I thought of this week to talk to those going through this. I think at the end of the journey you forget the small stuff so I thought I would start with a couple of things you should know about your first week after surgery:

1. Have someone you are comfortable with (I mean really comfortable with) to be able to help you every day- my mom comes every morning helps me get up, Kevin makes me breakfast and tea then in the afternoon my mom and dad come back to help around the house and just sit with me.
2. Get used to praying - it has been my refuge, not sure how i would have gotten through some nights and days with out prayer sometimes all night!
3. Stool softeners - take them and keep taking them!4. Have lots of button up or zip up tops - I had PJs that kind of look like boy PJs that button up the front are kind of baggie and have matching pants. This has worked fabulous! Now I have moved into yoga pants and zip up sweat shirts. I purchased a $45.00 camisole that was supposed to be pretty cool to be able to hold your drains ect in these little pouches that Velcro to the camisole - well the one I got was for a unilateral mastectomy, only had 2 pouches (I have 4 drains) that were very small and besides that you really need something baggie because you come home with this "sports bra" looking contraption that is really bulky and stuffed with gauze that really would never fit under a camisole. You wear this bra continuously until your first post operative visit, so about one week to 10 days. So I tried to be prepared but did not anticipate the bulkiness of the bra- so buy tops a bit larger than you would. Just a suggestion! Your arms are going to be weak and it will be difficult to lift them up for a time so zip up and button up are the way to go. Just think, another reason to buy some cutesy clothes.
5. Showering - hysterical - make sure you have a sense of humor because it is comedy! But oh how it feels to have hot water run on you even if it is just parts of you. And I never thought I would be so glad to wash my hair! So the trash bag technique worked great for me. Just cut the bottom out, wrap a hand towel around your neck, slip the trash bag over your head and tie around your neck. Voala you can shower. I lean my head forward to wash my hair. Oh and remember the person I mentioned before that can be there to help you, they need to be able to see you naked! At this point the trash man can help me with my shower and I would be fine - just kidding. But really you have to leave your pride at the door and just get through the first week humbly, knowing the next week will be better!
6. Try to stay positive - boy was this so hard for me on Monday and Wednesday. I was really in a mess those two days really didn't think I could do this, mentally I had a hard time. This was a surprise to me so it caught me off guard. I just kept looking for the joy and prayed each day the next day would be better!
7. Do your exercises - after being able to run 6 miles I thought these exercises would be a piece of cake. I felt like I ran a marathon after just doing a few the first couple of days.
8. Have patience - I am not just talking about with recovery but also with your family. They are not at the same place you are, not nearly at the same place and may never be. This is your journey, although your family is a part of it they will never really understand a lot of what you are going through. That is fine. It was hard for me this week to be in my bedroom and life in my house was going on as usual with out me. Listening to everything, the kids stopping in sometimes, Kevin stopping in. This has been hard! You kind of feel like an outsider a little bit. Your attitude is imperative in this, I think! Patience! They will warm up to the fact that you have drains hanging out of your shirt, that you aren't the super person you have been up until this point. At night my girls come in and lay in bed with me and watch TV, I love that.
9. Be honest- with yourself and your family about every, how you are feeling, your needs, your fears EVERYTHING. I have been very open and honest with my girls especially but also with Kevin. Don't feel like you have to protect them, I thought I did but didn't give them enough credit.
10. Have Faith- you will get through this. I am just through my first week and although there were times I just didn't think I would get through it I did. Be glad in the small things and I am sure there are more challenges coming my way but I have to know I will get throu
gh this.

So today I am going to enjoy going outside to take a deep breath of fresh air and a walk. I even put mascara on today, straightened my hair (sort of) and put on my jewelry. I am getting there! Small things, that is what it is about the small things.

I will say that this week I took to just be with my family, no calls or visitors and I think that was a good choice! I really needed time for me to get used to all of this. Thank goodness for my mom, dad and Kevin answering the calls ect. and telling the story over and over again. I am so very grateful for my family, my mom especially as she has just really stepped into doing somethings that I don't think she ever thought she would have to do. I know that Kevin is so thankful for her as well, it helps him to be able to see me as me still and not as what I am going through. He has been there for me every step of the way and I adore him but there are just some things he just is not ready to deal with, and that is so fine with me! I know this is difficult for a marriage and although we have been through the diagnosis and treatment and some lifestyle changes with my MS it is NOTHING like this. I think the main thing is that I learn to accept myself with the changes that are happening to me, that I gain my confidence back as to who I am as a women, wife, and mom. I don't think I can expect much from Kevin or the girls if I don't believe it myself. I have always said the Lord chose my husband 20 years ago and knew he was just the perfect companion, lover and friend for me. I am surely, surely blessed!

Until next time...

2Corinthians 12: 9-10
But he said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Basically that says that I seek Gods pathway and rely on Him instead of my own energy, effort or talent.

With Much Love...
Debbie

A New Day

Today is a new day for me! Although I do not like to look back it has been difficult for me not to remember my time in the hospital. Boy I just did not realize how difficult this part of the journey would be for me. I couldn't even watch House the other night, believe that or not! So, Monday I came home and it was a very scary and difficult day for me. I really was not prepared for that feeling. I was sick to my stomach, afraid, especially since I had to go back to surgery the second time, and just felt so distant from my life in general. A long day it was.


Tuesday was a great day. I was up all day long, took a shower, which was comedy in itself, and watched the Bucket List (great movie). I ate my first meal of "real" food, which I think was a relief for my family as they are worried about my weight. I stayed up late and just thought ok we are on the road to recovery.


Wednesday was like a mac truck hit me! Boy was it disappointing to wake up and not have the energy to even get out of the bed. I walked to the end of the bed and turned around and got right back into bed. It was not going to be a good day. I had spent the night coughing like I was getting a cold so I had not gotten much sleep the night before. Anyway, of course everyone just watched as I lay in bed trying to get up the gumption to do something as simple as sit up. This I think was my MS. It was a very very long day. I think the hardest part for me is feeling so good on Tuesday and then such a bad day on Wednesday. And again I just prayed that if I have to go through this the Lord would just give me strength and a positive, accepting attitude. I feel like I have been in the valley now for a long time, trying to just figure out my life at this point. This has been the hardest part for me, I was so not prepared for all of these feelings. I don't think anyone can prepare you for what you will feel.


So today is a new day. I got up and out of bed and had Kevin make the bed for me. I don't want to get back in the bed! I feel better and I am going to take it easy today but mentally just want to have a better day! I am going to take a shower, yippee! Did I tell you about the shower. O mi gosh. Well Kevin and Dad came up with a solution using a big black trash bag. They cut the bottom out and slipped it over my head. They put a towel around my neck and tied the trash bag around my neck so my upper body would not get wet but we could wash my hair. We turned on the shower and got it nice and warm with the steam. Boy did that feel nice to just get in the water. So my mom got in the shower with me in her sweat suit with the pants rolled up (thank goodness for a large shower) and helped me get washed. This was my first shower since Thursday night, how gross is that! Up until this point we were using these wash towels they give you in the hospital. My mom tried to style my hair but the girls and Kevin thought it still looked greasy so we had to rinse it out again and Emily dried my hair. That was an adventure!


I really have not looked at myself much in the mirror nor have I looked to much at my chest. I have a bra on that looks like a sports bra that Velcros up the front and underneath it is stuffed with fluffed gauze to make a form of a compression dressing. This is so the skin, tissue, muscle all heal in place. I have two drains under each arm that cannot get wet. I think my mom and I are the only ones that have seen my chest. In time...

So, I just realized that I didn't finish my story of the hospital. So Friday night my right side was really hurting and felt so tight. I just pressed on through the night, not sure if the nurse notified my doc or not, but when they came in first thing in the morning it went crazy! By 10am I was back in the OR. I had developed a hematoma, one of the risks of this procedure. Both docs would have to go back with me to surgery and I would have to go under anaesthesia again. The pain was so very bad that I just didn't care at that point. The docs said to me we could just watch this and see what happens or we can go in and clean this out and since I was in so much pain they wanted to go in again. They said there is a very small chance there is an active bleed, they really didn't think this was the case as this is very rare like 1% or so that this happens. Well would you know I had an active bleed! The plastics doc was SHOCKED! So another 3 hour surgery and I was back in the room with another drain. So two on the left and three on the right. Boy, I thought what else could happen. The nurses came in every 2 hours and stripped my drains and emptied them out. One of the Residents, he was so funny, from the plastics team came in as he had just found out that I was an oncology nurse. He said if I would have known that you were a nurse I would have said for sure you had a bleed, because all bets are off with nurses! He was very funny! So since I had to go back to surgery on Saturday they thought it was best that I stay in the hospital until Monday and I was glad for that.

Every day I pray gets better. The hardest part is when you have a good day and then a bad day but I am learning to just take each day as it comes. I have been very secluded and to myself except with my family. I really have not wanted to talk or see visitors. It is just very exhausting to repeat the story over again and talk when I just have not felt like it. Even with my parents and Kevin when I talk about it I would just almost get nauseated. But I am trying to get back on track, back to some sense of normalcy.

I have heard of all of the folks that have called, my parents have been here every day to sit and take care of me and the house, Kevin has been by my side and has taken care of the kids, I have gotten some great cards and care packages and the church has provided our family with meals every night which has been wonderful. I have just felt so much love and support from everyone. I have to tell you about the package my cousin and his wife sent me. It was precious! The note explained all the contents of the survival package and this is what it included.

1. Rocky Balboa movie- because you are a fighter
2. Chocolate- because chocolate makes everything in life sweeter
3. Mrs. Perfect- because when you read this book, you'll realize you're so much better off than "Taylor Young" (this looks like a cute book)
4. The Notebook Movie- because what is life without love?
5. Trashy Magazines- to help you remember what's really important in life - gossip and fashion!! (he-he)
6. The Middle Place (a book)- to give you strength as you take time to heal
7. A copy of Athleta Magazine - to inspire you with cute workout clothes for your next adventure (Kristen my cousins wife was the one who got me to do the triathlon)

So I will leave you with the verse I couldn't think of the other day about prayer:

1Thessalonians 5:16-18
Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Boy is that a hard concept to be joyful always and give thanks in all circumstances, even breast cancer. So I am trying hard to stay joyful and know that although I am not sure why this is God's will for me I am sure in time I will know, or not but hopefully will grow in this time during this journey! I have been praying continually that is for sure!!!

Ok so I am not done just yet. I took a quick break after writing this and received a call from Dr. Amos. The path. report is back...... NO CANCER ........ ANYWHERE! Praise God.... No CHEMO or radiation therapy! I may need to take Tamoxifen for a few years because there was micro -invasion but that is it! So that is good news for a new day!

Til next time....
With Love
Debbie

Finally At Home

Hi everyone.  Yup it is me and I am at home, praise God! I don't really even know how to begin except to say I could never have anticipated how this was going to be.  As a nurse I know all the procedures what was going to happen to me physically and I had piece in knowing I was going to have a mastectomy.  Well, words is what that all was I think.  Boy have I had a journey these past few days and like Sara said I am just on for the ride but let me tell you I have never prayed without stopping, I will find that verse later, like I have done since Friday.  I mean really praying.  

Friday we were up and adam (wonder what that really means) a 445am I showered with the cleanser one more time and we prayed as a family.  I made Lexi her lunch and kissed both the girls and gave them each a letter I had written for them.  the we were off to Chapel Hill.  My friend Pipi's mom works up there and she hooked me up with this really cool gal named Daisey we all LOVED her.  I changed out of everything, I couldnt even wear my wedding band, so I gave that to Kevin and he wore it on his chain.  I talked to every doctor and nurse and repeated over and over my name, date of birth and what they were going to do.  I guess what happened at that hospital where they took the wrong leg or something has them really being careful now!!  So we were getting ready to go to surgery when who comes around the corner but our youth minister Todd!  Can I just tell you I love this man!  How he found his way to me I will never ever know I was shocked.  He came in on his day off nonetheless at 5 am found me and then we prayed!  Boy do I ever know that we are in the right place!  So they took me away, Kevin did not want to leave me that part was kind of hard!  

I came out of surgery and they took me to the room.  I felt fine they gave me lots of drugs for nausea and I think some steroids so I was chatty like Lexi said.  Well as night drew closer and my mom and I settled in for the night we noticed my right side getting swollen.  We just watched it all night.  

So my mom.  I dont even know where to begin with her.  She has really been there for me.  We were up most of the night on Friday and she basically had to do everything for me!  I was so helpless and scared!

Sat. morning they came in saw me and not too soon after that had me back in surgery.  I am going to stop now and cont. later as I am getting tired and not to over do things...

So til next time I will find that scripture in the meantime.  I feel like it is in Matthew.

With so much love

Debbie