After Surgery

Hey everyone,

This is Lexi (the youngest).

The surgery went great yesterday.  Even though mom was in surgery for about 6 hours she still chatted her head off.  She is really a trooper.  She got out of the surgery and acted like nothing was wrong.  All I know is she wasn't able to do it herself.  There is definitely someone watching over her and everything she is going through. 

During this whole thing I have never felt closer to the Lord.  If I never trusted him with everything I would not have the peace in mind to know someone is watching over her.  Giving my worries to him and letting him take them away is the best feeling.  He is watching over us, all of us.  How close I have grown to him and how my life has been changed is something I wouldn't trade for anything.  I went through a time in my life where it felt like I forgot what it was like to live a Godly life.  I have gotten that feeling back and it won't escape me again.

Back to mommy =D

Mimi spent the night with her last night, and Dad, Emma, and I will be heading up there soon.  She meets with the physical therapist today so they can show her some exercises to keep her arms moving.  Thats about all I know is going on today.  I will let everyone know what goes on today and how she is doing (:

Boobs by Rose Firestone

This is from a book my dear friend gave me it is called "keeping abreast" by Rose Firstone and I highly recomend this book it is full of fabulous poetry through the journey of breast cancer.  My girls and I loved this poem!

Boobs

breasts...boobs

tits...titties

hanging on chest

like flags

in the cities

knockers...jugs

manetas...maracas

shake like tambourines

in the gyms

and the lockers

squeeze 'em...hold 'em

touch the fruit

more than a mouth full 

is totally moot

bouncy...perky

jiggley

and firm

all of these adjectives 

just confirm

that

stacks and racks

are where its at

but how do you feel if you're totally flat

how do you handle 

the lack of equipment

how do you feel 

when they're gone

how do you feel

when you look in the mirror

and all of those names

don't belong

think of it this way

think it like that

no need for a tit-sling

or a titty hat

be thankful dear lady

be happy and clear

think of the promise 

of another year

rose firestone

The Time Has Come

Well this is the week.  After all of this waiting the time for surgery is getting close.  I will go on Thursday, Jan. 29th back to mammography to have the tumor injected with a radioactive dye.  This dye will go from the tumor to the lymph-nodes that filter that duct.  This way on Friday am when I go to surgery the doctor will know which lymph-nodes to remove and check for cancer.   During the surgery they will do a quick test on these lymph-nodes and if they are positive then they will do an axillary dissection to remove the other lymph-nodes under that arm.  So right now I am focusing on getting through the surgery but in the back of my mind I know I have a few more hurdles one of which might be chemotherapy.  

We met with the oncology surgeon on the 21st and he said we are just going to have to wait and see what we find in there.  He does want me to meet with a medical oncologist (the doctor that gives chemotherapy) after surgery to discuss my options.  So I have already contacted my dear friend Dr. Mark Graham or Professor as I call him.  He is by far the best breast oncologist ever. I have known him for 15 years and I now know why the Lord put him in my life for this very time.  He is a part of this journey.  He is kind, gentle, smart beyond smartness and I just love and trust him with all I have!  I am blessed to have him in my life to guide me!

So I will say I finally had my crying day on Sunday.  In the midst of all of the preparations I have begun regarding the girls, work, the coming and goings of everyone while I am in the hospital, preparing my home and my family I just broke down on Sunday night!  I went into my closet, sat on the floor and cried out loud for about an hour!  I don't think I have ever cried like this in my entire life, ever!  I talked with Kevin (my husband) and just told him that I am scared.  As brave as I have tried to be for my family and as strong as I have felt and the faith I have that has just carried me through with such grace..... with all that I am still scared!  Its OK to be scared and let those around you know you are scared!  I know the Lord will be in the operating room with me guiding the doctors and nurses and giving them wisdom and me protection.  I know the outcome of all of this is already known.  But I am still of the flesh and I am still scared.  It was so lovely to be comforted by my daughter Lexi and Kevin as I cried out...

I will go in and will be the first case on Friday. The oncology and plastic surgeon will tag team and the oncology surgeon will do the mastectomy and the plastic surgeon will insert the tissue expander's.  This I hear, the tissue expander's, are not very comfortable.  They are stiff and when they get filled to stretch the skin it can be uncomfortable.  So we shall see how that works.  I cant even imagine in my mind what I will look like after surgery when the bandages come off..  I purchased a camisole that has little pouches that will hold the drains so I don't have to worry about pinning them to my clothing.  They also have little inserts that you can put in place of your breasts (not sure if I will use them).  But it is very pretty and lacy! My husband is a "boob"man so I am a bit concerned about his reaction.  We have been together for 20 years this year and he has been wonderful through my MS diagnosis but this just seems so much different all of a sudden.  I know in the end all will be fine but the journey to the end may have some bumps along the way.  I just keep saying to myself, remember all of these lessons, come out a better person, mom, daughter, wife at the end of this..  There just has to be a reason for it all.

My work family and church family has been so fabulous!  We had a farewell to the ta ta's party on Friday night and I made a booby cake.  It was great to have everyone around me and be able to see everyone before I go to surgery.  My new church family has been so supportive with prayer and they want to provide us with meals ect....  But, I am still a bit scared and teary when I think of what me and my family will be going through over the next few weeks...  I said it is sad when you are on your way to work and you tear up listening to a BonJovi song (i want to make a memory)....  Crazy right!  

I spent last night writing a letter to each of my girls, my husband, my mom and my dad.  Just to give them a bit of comfort as I go to surgery.  I plan to give it to them that morning to read while they wait.  They are my whole life I just want us to get through this and be better for it in the end.

I am going to make brownies for the doc's and nurses to take with me the day of surgery for all of their hard work and support. That is my way of saying thank you and I appreciate what you do every day!

I am working on some crafts to do while I recover to try to stay busy!  I have lots of girlfriends and my cousin getting ready to have babies so that is good timing!  

So there you have it my preparations for the week of surgery.  Lexi, my youngest wants to blog when I am unable so you will hear from her I am sure.  I would love to hear from you...

Till next time I leave you with this scripture:

Matthew 6: 34

NIV:  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has a trouble of its own....

The message version says:  Give your attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow.  God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

In The Beginning

My journey started when I turned 39 this year in October 2008. I went for my yearly physical and was so proud that I had scheduled my mammogram for the Saturday before Thanksgiving. My primary care physician had been encouraging me to get a mammogram because when I was 19 or so I had a benign lump removed from my right breast.

I went for my mammogram first thing in the morning on a Saturday. It was so easy, in and out, no big deal! Monday morning at work I received a call from the radiology center telling me that I need to come back for another mammogram. Well, I am a nurse and work with nurses whom have also gone though this process. My apt. was made for the Wed. before Thanksgiving during my lunch hour. My friends that have been through this had me prepared for what to expect so I was pretty calm and ready for what would happen.

It was probably nothing is what I thought. So I went during lunch. The mammogram was pretty much the same just a few extra views. No problem. I sat and waited with the other women for the technician to tell me I can go. I waited and waited. I was prepared by my friend that they may want to get an ultra sound so don't be concerned! I waited and waited and then the technician called me back and told me to get dressed that my primary care doctor wanted to talk to me. What? No on else had this happen and this was not the way my friends said it would be. Stay calm that is what I kept telling myself.

Being an oncology nurse so many things went through my head. But more than that I was thinking about the 20 people that I was having for Thanksgiving the next day and the 8K Turkey Trot that I was going to run in support of Multiple Sclerosis. You see I have MS. I was diagnosed 7 years ago. Doing great, running, competing in a triathlon and 2 races since Sept. that year! This can't be happening I am in the best shape of my life!

So I changed and returned to the waiting room dressed and ready for the "news". The technician called me back and said my doctor could not wait and would talk to me later. I had the look of shock on my face I am thinking it looked like "you have got to be kidding me!" I asked the tech. can you at least tell me what they are thinking. She knew I was a nurse and that I had so much going on the next day. So she said, well they found a cluster of micro calcifications and I will need to get it biopsied. She said 90% of these are nothing! Then she hugged me and said a prayer and cried. I thought I am so screwed!

Off I went to work and tried to stay composed!

Thanksgiving went well, better than I thought.

Then on Dec. 3rd I went for my biopsy. It was a mammatome (vacuum assisted biopsy). I laid on a table with holes in it for my breasts. They put a mammogram machine on my breast and looked for the right place to get the tissue sample. The complicated thing with micro calcification's is that they are just cells, there is no lump or mass. So the biopsy is like liposuction of the breast. Being a small breasted women that was not the place I needed liposuction. They numbed the area and I felt some pressure but nothing too bad. At the end they put a marker in there so they would know where the sample was taken from. They put pressure on my breast, taped me up and off I went. I was going to go back to work but after the drive home I could feel it swelling a bit and a little discomfort. Nothing too bad but I thought I better work from home. This was a good choice. There is some tenderness associated with this biopsy process and like in my case swelling and I had a hematoma form inside my breast (this hematoma can take up to 6 months to go away). This is all normal.

I did go to work the next day. The only challenging thing was getting a shirt over my head and lifting my arm. But I got through it. Everyone at work was so excited because the Christmas party was the next day. I was pretty bummed that I would not be going. I had so much fun at the past parties, dancing the night away! But what are you going to do, right! Plus with one boob twice the size of the other I don't think I could do much with that. It was the start of realizing that there are going to be some things over the next couple of months that I will not be able to do. So I will find other ways to occupy my time.

That Monday I got a call at work from the surgeon. It was cancer. DCIS - Ductal Carcinoma In-Situ. This is "the best kind of cancer you can get" "it is very curable" this is what I was told. In shock I called my mom and we just didn't know what to say to each other. My husband was going to be traveling the next day on business. What would I say to him and my daughters. I cried a few tears with my friends at work and just gathered my self and made a decision then and there that I have to rely on my faith and be strong.

My husband was not sure how to react to me when I got home. I just said well, I wont need chemotherapy because it is not invasive so that is such a blessing!

Then the roller coaster began! That next day my mom and I met with the surgeon to review the results and what my choices were. One, lumpectomy and 6 weeks of radiation therapy or mastectomy. With my MS in the back ground I was immediately leaning towards mastectomy!

That Thursday I had a breast MRI to see if there was cancer in the other breast. Fortunately there was no additional cancer.

So now to figure out the plan. I scheduled an apt. with my neurologist and contacted an oncologist that I have known for 15 years and worked for. I also called the radiation oncology group I know and talked to the tech. there to get their opinion on my treatment options, come to find out that they do not take my insurance. They recommended that I go to UNC and meet with the rad. onc folks up there. I let my surgeon know I was going to meet with the folks at uNC rad onc and he told me he would send them an email to give them a heads up!

So the Neurologist did not have much to add with regards to my MS, no info. on the Internet, I even contacted the MS Society and no luck. No info. regarding breast cancer in people with MS on interferon treatments. UGH!

So just when I was thinking I am just going to have to decide with what I know about cancer, myself and my MS! I was getting ready to call the surgeon and just say I am going with a mastectomy when I got a call on the Monday before New Years Eve from UNC cancer center. The were letting me know that everything was set for Wed. New Years Eve for my visit and this gal was the nurse navigator assigned to my case. She said they were presenting me that day at the breast cancer multidisciplinary clinic! Me, being presented! Having worked in oncology at UNC hospital for 5 years and then at a UNC out patient clinic I knew many of the doctors and nurses that would be present!

So on new years eve, me, my mom, my dad and my husband took a trip out to UNC for the day. A long day at that! They did more mammograms, and an ultrasound. The pathologist re reviewed my slides and found that the cancer was indeed invasive. It was a small invasion but still it has gotten out of the ducts. They also found another spot on my right breast! What more could happen! So after leaving there that day the decision was made to have a bilateral mastectomy! Finally a decision was made!

Although I found out some scary information at this meeting I was so blessed that I was presented this day! So now we are scheduled the biopsy of the right breast, I know why do that if you are just going to remove the breast. Well if there was cancer they would need to know so during the surgery the lymph nodes could be biopsied. In ductal breast cancer the ducts lead to certain lymph nodes when you have invasive cancer they inject a dye through the duct where the cancer is and find out which lymph node that duct leads to. This will be called the Sentinel node and will be the lymph node they check for cancer. Once you remove the breast you loose the ability to trace back where this duct drained as all of the ducts will be removed.

So this week, Jan. 12th, back to UNC for the biopsy and right away they knew the spot was not cancer! Can I get an AMEN! Finally some GREAT news! So how did they know it wasn't cancer? They went over my breast with the ultra sound machine to find the mass. See, the difference is in the left breast I had micro calcification's (basically cells that are not visible by the eye only when magnified like they are able to do with mammography) and in the right breast there was actually a mass just behind my nipple. So the radiologist marked the spot and told me he was going to first try to do a needle aspiration. So he numbed the area and stuck a needle into the mass and because it was fluid filled it deflated when he aspirated the fluid! A CYST!!! Yippeee! Back to work I went just smiling ear to ear. You have to celebrate the small stuff when you are dealing with such life changes.

What next? Well I meet with my surgeon on the 21st for pre op stuff and I am scheduled on the 30th for a bilateral mastectomy.

I am pooped for right now but will write later about what the procedure entails!
I hope you will join me in this journey! I am hoping to have pictures, tasteful of course to share with you so you can see what this is all about. I would love to hear from you! I believe you can comment at the bottom and on the right you can follow this blog. You will probably have to register, it is free. I am also hoping to be able to keep my friends and family up to date with what is going on using this method much easier!

I will end by saying that I am a Christian so much of my bloging will reflect my faith in God which has helped me tremendously in getting through this whole process. Below is a verse that has just come up so many times during the beginning of my journey. I say to folks that the Lord has given me a peace that is unexplainable and this verse explains this very well. I even saw this one time with my daughter in the car on a license plate. We looked it up right away and just could not believe it!!!

Philippians 4: 6-9

6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Until next time...... Debbie